Tag Archives: weddings

Weddings Make Me Wonder

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This month, August, 2022, there is a wedding in my family to attend and to wonder about… I do not wonder about the relationship between my older son and his fiancé. They are a decent match and both will benefit from getting married and having each other in their lives. What makes me wonder is before and during weddings is there any real consideration of the future for these relationships. Now, do not get me wrong, marriage is a good and necessary thing for couples in our culture. There is the legal bonding. There are financial benefits. There is the official acknowledgement of their loving relationship. There is the focused celebration with family and friends. There are the wedding gifts and the thank you notes. There is the planning and expense which some people enjoy… There are plenty of good reasons in the present moment to join in a documented relationship…

My wondering comes from my personal experience of marriage. I married my Bride, Barbara, in August of 1984 in Santa Rosa California. We were married in the backyard of a person I knew who offered a beautiful setting for us and the family and friends who could attend. It was hot. It was a lovely memory filled event with interesting and weird stories. We were committed to each other and remained committed until my Bride left her human form in January of 2012. We shared love, parenting, travel, financial challenges, lifestyle changes, health challenges, all in ways I would not trade. But, I never stopped to consider the end game. No consideration before or during our wedding. No real consideration for many years during our marriage. In the last 8 years of our marriage, after we received a “terminal cancer” diagnosis did the “end game” face any scrutiny.

Now, after my Bride left our relationship and I was left alone to consider our marriage, I was confronted by some clear and undeniable facts. No regrets for me, for the record… There are only two ways out of a marriage and these are often not well considered except by the super rich who sign pre-marital agreements to protect their money. AND, this is NOT what I am speaking about… I am considering the natural facts that marriages end in only one of two ways and neither are the enjoyable ways that people look forward to experiencing. There is divorce and there is death. In my opinion, these both seem grim. The death of my wife was a unique experience for me. I had never lost a marriage partner of 28 years and of a relationship of nearly 35 years. It has been my only marriage so I am not really familiar with what divorce offers as a personal learning experience but it has been reported by many people I know to be difficult and often necessary.

Which is why I wonder… should people about to be married consider the “end game?” Probably not! Going in to this relationship fully committed, “for better or worse, until death do they part…” My experience is NOT unique. Every married person lives, or dies, with some level of understanding as they move through the “end game.” Being naive has always seemed to help me, right up until I am confronted by the wisdom I must consider on the back end of my life’s experiences. That is what living our human lives is all about…

And, thank you for baring with me as I vent from my personal, experience driven, wonderment. Life is NOT meant to be a walk in the park or a “they lived happily ever after” reality. The discomfort in losing a person you have loved is an amazing opportunity to discover an empathy to the human condition which can give you wisdom to share. (In many cases this appears as bitterness, anger, or in negative terms, but it really is a unique learning opportunity.) My perspective on marriage and losing my Bride has been shared many times and has offered many people a chance to have a perspective which is often left unspoken in our culture. Do NOT miss any opportunity to share your love with the people you encounter, especially the people most dear… You never know what path your futures will take AND sharing Love is one of the most important things we have come to our human lives to do…

Also, these thoughts are NOT unique to marriage but that is on a front burner for me in these August days of 2022. My Bride will find a way to attend the wedding of her eldest, dear son. And, her loving memory will burn bright in the hearts and minds of her sons, her family, and all who have loved Barbara. Bless YOU on your travels through this human life. YOU are a miracle who has come to mix it up in the drama called human life. In my consideration, do not miss your opportunities to live most fully and to increase your consciousness regarding “Life” with every opportunity you stumble upon or choose to pursue.

Share your Love and your Light as much as you can…

Are California Weddings Stressful?

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As I prepare for my son’s March California Wedding, I am reminded of the last California family wedding I attended. The following is a written account of personal survival and, I must report, marital success… (From about 6 years ago…)

I am in the airport returning from a California wedding in the coastal mountains just north of Santa Barbara. It was probably the best wedding I have ever attended. For me, except for the stress of getting there and now back, it was fairly easy as weddings go. My wife’s family was celebrating the great choice my wife’s niece made. Kaitlyn and Will are really a great couple and I wish them the best of luck, happiness, health, and a long life together. Now the dysfunction of the two colliding families is something special to behold. What a weird combination of people and yet the dance floor was completely full of happy, well-behaved people who had indulged in a great deal of food, family stories, and alcohol.

If you have not participated in a “California Wedding” then let me explain… You do not over dress unless you want to look like a tourist from the East Coast. You find your way to the top of the mountain or the sand of the special beach or by the mystical river-lake-rock formation-ski area or whatever natural phenomenon that the wedding planners assume would be the test of your physical, emotional, and spiritual limits. You must really want to be there because the heat, dust, gale force winds, or attack of insects will be proof of your love for the marrying couple. It becomes a spiritual experience of survival that bonds you with your fellow wedding witnesses. Be prepared for poetry, music, ring bearers that are dogs, cute little flower girls who have to be dragged through the wood chips to accomplish their task, and of course the late start because someone important or something important has gotten lost or is late getting to the remote location. Hopefully, the open bar has NOT open prior to the ceremony or else the ceremony will have many added contributions that were not included on your program.

After the beautiful and spiritually bonding and uplifting ceremony, you may have to find your way to the port-a-potty line and start eating and drinking to re-hydrate after sitting in the sun for way too long. Your next task is to find the reception and the California wines and of course your place. I heard that the father of bride needed a double shot of tequila to prepare for his role of walking down the aisle and telling his stories at the wedding and then the reception. He looked fairly sober. The groom in his flip flops was relaxed. The bride was spectacular in the handmade wedding dress that her loving, and talented, mother had created. (Mom, of course, was a bit stressed but radiantly glowing in the moment.) The ring bearer dog was well behaved and did not jump up on the bride as had been feared. The band and played surf rock for the first set… Of course, this is coastal California and the graying surfer dudes loved the vibes…

Hey, it was a perfect wedding. My wife smiled a beaming radiant smile. She held her two sons. She saw her Florida based step mom. She loved the warm California evening and everything about this wonderful event. Somehow late that night, we made it back to our hotel and began to feel the sadness that this much anticipated event was coming to an end. My plane will be boarding soon and we will fly back to Seattle but I know that I survived the California wedding, the new in-laws, and the California sunburn (that is required as proof of participation.)
Kate and Will, I say again, we love you and have the best life together. We know you will.