Tag Archives: dying

Fear of Dying: A Major Stressor

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Fear of Death: It is an “unknown”

Are you afraid of death and dying? Are you so afraid of death that you are afraid to live? Because we are anxious about the “Unknown,” we fear death and dying even though we all must face this ultimate transition as a resolution to our lives. Death has also become the “enemy” of our youth oriented society. Aging is not accepted or tolerated by our media and by the high technology that drives our world. (But that is a topic for another article.)

Many people fear doing new or unfamiliar things because they fear, at a deeper level, the ultimate anxiety that failure to do something new “successfully” will bring on death. Strange to think or feel this way, but look around and you will see a world filled with people who are “Stuck” in their lives because they fear attempting some new direction or activity. Have you ever heard the statement, “It is not worth doing unless you can do it well?” How can you do it well unless you try something and fail, maybe many times, until you can begin to figure it out and then master it. Very few of us ever learned to ride a bicycle or to swim without making mistakes that lead to success. But people fear new relationships or career paths or travel or searching their deepest thoughts because they fear the unknown. It may be easier to take the path most traveled but it removes adventure and learning through making mistakes from our lives. The safe path is not always the “right” path. We paint ourselves into corners by fearing the alternatives.

So this dilemma leads us to an important lesson in life. How can we choose to live fully without exploring the experience of death and dying? How can we be familiar and release our fear of dying, without really dying? A question for the ages… No easy answer here, but consider doing some research. I read the book “Life After Life” by Moody and Ken Ring’s research in his books “Life at Death” and “Heading Toward Omega” where these authors explored the death and dying experience by interview survivors of a near-death experience. The accounts by these survivors were profound. By reading this research, I began to release the fears of uncertainty regarding the experience of the dying process. It may not be so scary! In fact, many people who were resuscitated, and brought back to life, claimed a feeling of disappointment when they had to return to their bodies and had to continue living. They felt that death embraced them in a sense of “unconditional love and acceptance” that they did not know in their lives. These survivors consistently repeated that this experience had “Changed their lives” by removing the fear of dying. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was another scientist who sat with many people who were facing the ultimate transition. She wrote about having a different attitude toward death in many of her books including, “On Death and Dying.”

We must all face the experience of dying, when “our time comes.” Why not know something about this transition? Why fear the unknown and have this fear get in the way of living? I am not sure that our religions have good answers for us because often there are political or financial factors that play into the answers that our religions provide for us, but these may be a place to begin our quests. For me, many important experiences, and perhaps some answers, came from the practice of mediation and also, the group processes of sharing information with other seekers on the path.

Good luck in your search. Please take good care of yourself. Find your passion and do not fear get in the way of pursuing it.

Contact the Stress Education Center at www.dstress.com for information and support. Consider a train-the-trainer program to give you tools to others control their fear and anxiety of death and dying.

After the Death of My Wife: 6 Months Into the Void

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June, 2012 – Posted by L. John Mason –

It has been an interesting six months since my wife passed. Early on, besides the overwhelm, I thought I could get through this difficult transition fairly quickly due the knowledge that I had been preparing for this loss for 7 years. I am learning that this was an illusion. When my parents passed away, I handled this well and moved back into my life with relative ease, but losing my life partner of 28 years has proven to be more difficult than I had imagined. Life has a way of being surprising. And, expectations have a way of leading to disappointment.

I have no reason to whine. I have great friends and lots of healthy support. What has surprised me are the little things that then trigger the beautiful, bitter-sweet memories that float through my consciousness and cause the tears to flow down my cheek. These events are brief, and for the most part, cherished as friendly ghosts of a loving relationship. I have learned that a remembering which causes a smile and then a tear are beautiful and a celebration. Certain events that I would not have thought would trigger the flow of emotions surface like Mother’s Day. It was harder than I thought and I am not sure why. Preparing for the local Relay for Life and the beginning “Survivor’s Walk” was an event that Barbara and I participated in for 7 years and this year the anticipation was difficult.

We have all suffered loss and transitions, and we have our own unique way of getting through these times. Perhaps your loss was not the death of loved one but a relationship change, or a job change, or a move into a new environment. There are changes that are more difficult than others based on your individual life. There are times when you ruminate about your loss and seem to spiral down into despair. These are important lessons to learn from in your life, not easy or fun, but important to wade through. There are recommendations that can be made to allow you to move more gracefully through these possibly dark times. Consider the following: 1. Take Good Care of yourself… practice wellness, 2. Get the HEALTHY support from healthy friends or family, 3. Get Professional counseling support if needed, 4. Focus on positive potential plans or goals, 5. Do not be in hurry to control your expectations (easier said than done.)

Consider sharing your feelings and thoughts early and often. The more you share the story the more you can desensitize yourself to the trauma unless you are ruminating too deeply. Avoiding the healing, with its pain, by using substances like alcohol, drugs, and food can give some people momentary comfort but can slow down the process or even create more problems. For me, the best strategy has been to speak with my many healthy supportive friends. Though not everyone is as lucky as me in this way, you might be well warned that building these positive relationships can and should be done now for your future requirements. If all else fails, local hospice organizations have bereavement groups that can get you started. There are books on the subject. There are counselors, coaches, and clergy who are trained to help. Do not think that you are strong to hold these things in and to NOT BOTHER anyone else with your pain. In fact, by sharing your grief and challenges you are probably allowing others the great benefit of being able to give some support and nurturing to you (and this will allow your partner to feel good about their efforts in your support.) Listen to advice when given but move slowly and carefully on any additional transitions that may be suggested. In most cases you do NOT need to rush into anything.
We can not escape life without loss and transitions. The trick is to learn how get through these times as gracefully as possible and to learn the lessons as easily as possible (so you do not have these lessons have to be repeated…) Keep your eyes open and your heart prepared to give and to receive. No one knows how to do these things perfectly and most of the time these transitions will not be pretty. They will be tests and lessons to learn from.
When we lose a major source of love and support, you can not easily replace this relationship but you can find ways to be open to positive, healthy relationships, and new sources of love, to begin to fill the void. (Do not rush into this but allow yourself to consider the possibilities.)

Please take good care of yourself. Support your friends and family if they have had losses ’cause we can all learn from these times… Celebrate Peace…

We send comments, your thoughts, and your feedback the Stress Education Center at wellness@dstress.com or through the website at www.dstress.com

Anger and Death

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At some point, most people who live past adolescence realize that they are not going to get out this life, alive. Death is a natural, and unavoidable, outcome of living. (As of 2014, this is a fact of life…) Some cultures and societies work at pretending that death is NOT inevitable and this denial is built into the structure of the culture. Americans seem to frown on death like it is weakness in life to give in to death. In this culture, youth is celebrated and old people should only participate in celebrations of holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. There would be more television programs about older people if the culture were not in such denial. Now, I am not saying that we should have another “reality TV” show about older people’s last days amongst the living but it has been a long time since programs like the “Golden Girls.”

But the point of this blog article is not about denial of death and dying. It is about the emotions people feel regarding the loss of family member or friend to the process of dying. In the past, people lived with or near their families and families cared for each other with process of “passing away” done at home surrounded by family. Families would embrace the transition and it was a “natural” process. It is often very different in present day families.

Image that you were a child of divorced, or unmarried parents. You have been estranged from your biological parent due to divorce, or substance abuse, or prison, or large geographical distances and you learn that your non-custodial biological parent is dying. You may already harbor anger and resentment toward this parent for not “being there” for you and now you cannot even “get even” emotionally for the neglect (real or imagined) because the object of you anger is now leaving you due to a terminal disease process. How do you deal with your anger and your ambivalence toward this parent? From professional experience, I know that people often turn this anger inward. Depression often manifests. Anxiety can surface. Adjustment disorders may become inflamed. It is natural to be depressed or anxious. Though this is a natural response it remains often elusive as to how to deal with these strong emotions in “positive” ways.

Some cultures and religions suggest that you experience the loss of a significant person to better learn “your” lessons of this life. The perspective of surviving this loss can make you stronger. Everyone deals with loss differently. Some people want to escape their pain and avoid this strong emotion by getting involved with substance abuse. Some people use other behaviors to avoid their pain like playing too many video games, engaging in unsafe sexual experiences, or possibly other dangerous, but distracting, behaviors. A healthier way of responding to this difficult experience might be to get professional support or support from “healthy” family or friends. This might involve discussing the anger or the sadness in appropriate ways. It might involve discussing the loss and the void left when the person passes. It might include discussing the unfinished business. It might include discussing life beyond and how to consider filling “the void.”

Children or poorly articulate adults have serious challenges communicating their pain, anger, frustration, upset, and loss. They require assistance in a safe, “non-judgemental” relationship. They need to be told that their feelings are not un-natural or bad. They need to be counseled on how to express this emotion in safe and appropriate ways. They often need to be supported with positive alternatives forms of expression and positive choices to move forward in their lives. Often they have been “cheated” from the experience of telling their estranged parent or significant person the anger or pain they feel about their disappointing relationship. Alternative forms of communicating their feelings should be explored such as painting, drawing, writing, photography, or forms of sculpture.

It is hard to deal with the loss of a loved one (or significant other.) It is difficult to communicate your pain and ambivalence. Some people, especially children, need more assistance and support, from healthy, non-judgemental adults. I am sorry for your trauma and your loss. I can feel your pain. I have experienced this pain, myself, and it is not easy. Please take good care of yourself.

Proof of Heaven

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While travelling to California in March of 2013, my friend Dan gave me a new book to read. “Proof of Heaven” by Eben Alexander, MD. Great reading for me as an update on the research I had done in the late 1980’s regarding interviews with people who had experience Near Death Experiences (NDE) in the writings of Ken Ring and Raymond Moody. In his recent book, Eben Alexander tells his personal story regarding his own near death experience. With the death of my wife in January of 2012, I have been reflecting on the life after death that is discussed in many philosophies and religions. Eben speaks about the feelings of “Unconditional Love” and the message he received from his “guide” that “you can do no wrong in heaven.” What freedom you must experience!

Personally, I have strong feelings that the Buddhist philosophy of life after death may be correct. How do you feel? This way of thinking can free you to live a better life because you have less fear of the unknown, and scary thoughts of what happens after this life has completed… My father feared change and he feared death. He lived in a quiet desperation where he feared making mistakes or taking risks because he feared a possible mortal outcome of any new change.

Since the death of my wife, I was asking (maybe pleading) for information regarding her status, hoping that she was “in a better place.” I had a feeling that she was not suffering any more from her struggle with cancer but I wanted to know that she was happy, surrounded by unconditional love, with access to the wisdom of higher consciousness. In my travels after exposure to Eben ALexander’s book, I had experiences that lead me to believe that I did NOT have to worry, for my wife, Barbara, WAS in a better place. It gives me some peace of mind and my heart feels better.

My question, which has no answer, is who will greet me and guide me when my turn to pass comes??? In the writings of NDE’s and even in Eben Alexander’s book, “Proof of Heaven,” it is often stated that a guide (or guides) step forward to greet you and to show you around (for lack of a better phrase) and to assist you with the awkward transition into this new existence. Often, the guide will be someone familiar who you loved or knew who has passed on before you… So recently I pondered who this entity might be for me…??? My mom or dad, friends from the past, or family??? I realize that this is not the most important consideration I have to deal with in my present life, but the question came to mind. Who do you think will be there to greet you when your time to pass on occurs? In Eben’s story, he asked this question and did not receive the answer that he expected which was both surprising and, for me, a highlight of his book.

Most importantly to me as I write this blog is to ask you what awareness do you have regarding the process that happens at the end of life AND will this belief give you assistance in living your life more fully and with less fear. In my second book, “Stress Passages: Surviving Life’s Transitions Gracefully,” I tried to address the anxiety that people have as they face their mortality (death and dying) and I offered strategies for managing this anxiety so that life can be experienced with greater peace and less distraction from the fear of the unknown. I want to write more about this in the coming months.

Please live with grace and awareness.

If you have questions that you believe that I can assist you to better understand that death and dying are not as scary as our fear and anxiety creates of the unknown, contact me through the Stress Education Center at www.dstress.com. AND, please take good care of yourself. 

Dying at Home

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I have firsthand experience with Home Hospice and the dignity provided a loved one by allowing them to die at home surrounded by their loved ones and the familiar world that they lived. If possible, most people who I know, would want their last days to be at home and not in the sterile environment of the hospital. My wife and I fought cancer for 8 years. She requested Hospice assistance 3 months before cancer took her from our family. I have to admit that even with all that time to prepare that I never gave the death with dignity at home much real thought. It sounded good and I knew it was the way she wanted to die. She did not want to die, at all, but this was not to be avoided. The last 4 days of her life was a blur for me. Even with the knowledge of having signed up for Hospice assistance, and having applied for the “right to die” medication prescription, I was in a fog about what was about to happen and how to deal with it.

The real reason I feel compelled to write this article is the lesson that I am, only now, becoming aware of an important lesson. When my wife came home from the hospital, for the last time, and Hospice had set up the pain management medicine, Lauren (my sister-in-law) and I were left in the house to care for my lovely wife. We worked together as a team and it was going pretty well. There was some fear involved with the responsibility but we had been through many difficult experiences in the 8 years including emergency room visits, major surgeries, chemo therapy, doctor’s visits, and endless medical procedures and testing. Our Home Hospice nurse came the next day to check up on all of us and she increased the amount of pain medication and things seemed OK. With blessings for all of us, my wife passed away the next morning. I was not really prepared. I do not know why other than the blur and the denial that I must have felt at the time. BUT, one year later, I finally a woke to the realization that my wife dying at home was much more traumatic for me (and my sister-in-law) than I had been aware of at the time.

Death with dignity at home is a good thing for the patient but I am not sure how many of the involved family and friends are really well prepared for this experience. I appreciate Home Hospice and what they do. I just never considered how difficult dealing with my ghosts related to watching my beautiful wife die in our home would be for me. A century ago, people dying at home, surrounded by their family, was more common in the United States. This is still common in other cultures around the world but death and dying has been hidden well within the culture of the US where youth and beauty are worshipped, and sickness and death are hidden in hospital and retirement homes. Dying is an inevitable part of life. We can not escape it. We can be better prepared for the death of our loved ones and our own end of life.

My main point of this blog is to report that watching a loved one pass away at home can be more significant than we might be able to imagine. Prepare yourself. Hug your loved ones and friends. Live your life with as much vigilance as possible. Honor your spiritual needs.

I KNOW that my wife is in a better place. She is in a “bigger and better place than you can imagine” I believe. My life will continue and will hopefully find ways to be of service as I live with my “ghosts.”

Accepting Death and Dying As a Buddhist

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Accepting Death and Dying As a Buddhist (from thoughts regarding my wife & her passing)

In the course of blogging I want to serve people who are struggling with life’s lessons regarding aging and the final transition of dying with peace and dignity. Blessings to all of us who are on the path…

 

While confronting the challenges of mortality, I find myself engaged in emotional swings and wonder how an accomplished Buddhist might respond to the death of family member…

 

Does a practicing and accomplished Buddhist gracefully accept the death of close friend or family member? Is there a way to unemotionally accept the passing of a friend with the deeply held belief that the transition is nothing more significant than the cycle of day turning to night? Can a Buddhist clearly resolve that there is only joy in the spiritual evolving of a soul as they pass through physical death into the next incarnation?

 

Beyond the philosophical questions, can I ever truly feel the beauty that death will bring to my loving, graceful wife and not feel the despair in my loss of my close friend/wife? Should I avoid my pain by finding deep acceptance of her destiny in the tradition of a well practiced Buddhist? Will I understand the meaning of emotionally letting go of my fear, sadness, and the void of my loss?

 

There are times when I feel that I accept and understand the meaning and value of the transition of death, and times when I fight my personal despair. What is the perfect balance of these feelings???… And, will I be able to achieve the ideal balance to learn my lessons of this life?

 

Perfection and joy in the sadness of loss…

 

Feeling the release of my loved one from the pain, sorrows and limitations of this life…

 

Embrace the lightness, unconditional love, consciousness, and feeling of complete connectedness of after-life…

 

I was young and I was shocked when as a young man of my mid-twenties I received a letter from a person who knew my friend Judy who died while tubing in the snow on Mt. Shasta. The letter described in rational coolness the beauty of her passing into the next plain of consciousness to do her “work.” At the time, my loss and fear made me feel a lack of insight into the writer’s consciousness and separation from the Buddhist principle that was being shared with me… I was uncomfortable and yet attracted to this view of death and dying. Yet, sometimes I feel that I understand and emotionally connect with this insight. It is a freeing of my soul and spirit to spend moments in this consciousness…

 

How do I maintain this feeling longer? Should I recommend this state of consciousness to other people so they can be free to live without the limitations of fear, sadness, loss, anxiety, and anger regarding the process of death and dying?

 

Is my sadness a conditioned response to the accepted lack of acceptance of death and dying by my society? Has spiritual evolution and freedom of the soul been discourage by a fear based society that ignores death only to falsely celebrate youth and winning in life? Can I release my own need for drama to allow death a more normal and less emotional spot in my life?

 

My learning continues as I confront the thoughts and feelings that are so easily avoided by many members of our culture. As you can see, I take religion out of my struggles for consciousness and yet desire to embrace a philosophy born out Eastern beliefs that I do not know much about but somehow find comfort in the feelings of my exposure to this system. I know that far greater minds have contorted while examining these challenges so I accept that I may not have a final answer. There is something special in the struggle and the process engages me.

 

Please celebrate my struggle and enter into this dance yourself. Any input and feedback is appreciated.

 

 

 

Added perspective from my friend Patricia:

 

As I read your beautiful writing, something comes to mind for me that I learned from Buddhist Psychotherapist, John Welwood.

 

“According to Welwood, for the Western mind, this isn’t an either or in this situation, but rather a both/and. It is possible to feel both the beauty of a loved one’s passing, knowing that the absolute truth of the matter is that she is free from suffering and to also feel the relative suffering of your own personal loss. To do anything other than that is to by-pass your own human condition in some essential way and not listen to the wisdom that is inherent in the body. He calls this “spiritual bypassing.” Does this mean that we are conditioned to feel emotions in a certain way that our Eastern counterparts don’t? I don’t know….

 

I do know that I have moments when I understand and recognize the non-attachment Buddhism teaches, and many more moments when I do not. Mostly what I know is that when I try to force myself to think and/or feel a certain way when I don’t already, I wind up doing a small violence to myself by not acknowledging exactly where I am in any given moment, and then allowing something fresh to appear the next moment.”

 

Thank you, Patricia.