Tag Archives: dying

Dying to Know

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Have you ever considered what it was like to be dead? We will all end our living by dying and then the mystery of what comes next becomes an activity that we will participate in. Some people consider that at death, we stop completely and there is nothing to look forward to. Some people believe that we travel to the “Pearly Gates,” get a few moments to reflect on our lives, and then head off to the “After Life” in Heaven or…. Some believe in “Re-incarnation” where we agree to return to Earth (or somewhere) in a new body for another “learning” in being human. Whatever your belief, the thought about what happens at the time of death has probably come up for you.

There have been many books written by people who have experienced a Near Death Experience (NDE), or who have worked with people who have moved through the ultimate transition, or who have researched the subject by reading (or conducting) interviews with people who have had NDE’s. In the 1970’s, Raymond Moody was one of the first people to come out with a book on research conducted with interviewing people who had NDE’s. I like Ken Ring who authored a series of books on this topic after even more interviews than Moody. Survivors like Eben Alexander wrote a wonderful book, Proof of Heaven, which is a well written account (by this Neurosurgeon scientist) of his own NDE where he was “clinically dead” for 7 days. There are many books, stories, movies, and other accounts through the history of man, even back to the ancient Greeks. But what can be learned from this research???

Many, maybe most, of the survivors of NDE’s come back to life with similar stories but, more notably, these people return with a different perspective on LIVING. Many report that the “after-life” or “heaven” is not a scary place. In fact, many resisted returning to their bodies and their lives because it felt so peaceful and accepting. Survivors report the feeling of unconditional love and support, full acceptance, freedom from the limitations of the body and space and time. Many report access to divine consciousness and wisdom not known in their human form. Most importantly, many return with the fear and anxiety commonly found in living, reduced because they do not fear dying. They report a different appreciation of “living in the light” and in a state of “Grace” over the way they may have chosen to live before. These stories are compelling. Whether you believe these reports or not, you can benefit from attempting to gain the “Feeling of this Grace” as you experience these stories.

Whether you get these stories first hand by speaking with someone who has had a NDE or read the accounts in the many books on this topic, it is important to try to remember your own Divine Spiritual experience and possibly bring the knowing of the State of Grace back with you to offer you perspective as you live out your remaining days.

My parents were role models with two very different approaches. My mother lived without fear of death and dying. She had adventures in life because she was not afraid to live… most fully. My father got fearful the older he got. He disliked change or traveling or eating new foods because he feared the adventures in life. I chose to be more like my mother and love the adventures, and accept the challenges that these might bring. You have a choice in how you want to live your life. You will have to come to grips with the experience of your last transition and, for many people, some consideration regarding dying adds interesting dimensions to how you live…

Our community of consciousness seekers, Masters of the Journey, offers connection to a community where topics like these are shared and resources offered to you. You may want to consider coming in person or engaging in one of our video conferences on a topic you may know about, and can offer your wisdom, or one where you can come and experience the wisdom and experiences from other people like you. This is NOT a religion but it is a way to connect to a supportive community.

Spirituality for Millennials and Generation X

Millennials: a person reaching young adulthood around the year 2000; a Generation Y’er. Born from mid 1980’s and later. Generation X born from Mid-1960’s to Mid 1980.

These are the generations growing up in the “Information Age.” Often very tuned to technology and communication through Internet and Electronic Devices. Where generations prior played imaginary games and acted out roles like: “Cowboys and Indians” or “War-GI Joe’s” or Played with Dolls, these two more recent generations have Multi-channel Television, Graphic Movies, and Interactive Computer Based Gaming, Smartphone technology, and Internet Based Social Media which earlier generations did not have.

The “Gamers” play violent, realistic combat games which include dying over and over until they can learn from the game and move on into the next level, until the game is “Mastered.” To be a great “gamer” requires: concentration/focus, patience, persistence, competitiveness, and problem solving. This dedication, good hand- eye coordination (and quick reactions), and focused time, allows for long term success. Gamers are used to dying over and over again until they learn the lesson and move on in the game. They are rewarded for their dedication and successes. Frequently, these “Gamers” often lack social skills because time is spent with games and not real world interactions. Real world interaction has become abbreviated in life to “Text Messaging,” “Tweets,” and responses to Facebook or other Social Media Postings.

BabyBoomers are having issues with the evolution into Social Media interactions. If BabyBoomers are chasing Spirituality, they often fear dying over and over again. Their mortality is closer at hand and so their focus is different than Millennials. But, Millennials practice Dying over and over…??? At least in their games… And, accept death as an opportunity to move on with their learning. With tongue in cheek I ask, are Millennials more spiritual and do they have much to offer the BabyBoomers???

Millennials can be more focused in the present when they are gaming… They do not mind dying… They concentrate… They are patience and dedicated to their learning… They do not speak but interact in very abbreviated ways… Are they from other Star Systems and Masters of inner Knowing? Time will tell…

Another trait common in the Millennial/Gen X culture is the use of an ancient spiritual ritual which is a test of endurance and faith. It is the process of tattooing and body piercing. Ancient civilizations created similar processes as a “right of passage” into both adulthood and for spirituality. Today’s culture wears their art and political orientation on their skin. Though seemingly superficial, this process requires commitment and “presence.” The discomfort one experiences as they move through the tattooing process is a learning opportunity and demonstrates their strong personal belief that “body art” is a form of expression which can be linked to awareness and changing consciousness. It creates a uniqueness which has been chosen and can become a lesson in spiritual development… Time will tell whether this generation and cultural “fashion statement” actually leads to a deeper level of awareness and consciousness. Though this cultural trend is relatively recent, in the coming decades it will allow for continued acceptance of living with these personal expressions created in our present time. (If nothing else, lessons in acceptance and taking responsibility for these conscious choices will be important experiences for these generations.)

The downside to the Millennials and Gen X’ers is their reduced need to socialize through face to face deeper interpersonal processing. Sure they gather for the party or the work function or the political action but do they gather as a “tribe” to share stories and learn from the generations which have gone before them? Do they respect the wisdom of experience and want to learn from the trial and errors of the other generations of spiritual seekers? Do they have the commitment or patience to learn through “subjective” emotional experience instead of the the video game visual feedback? Do they fully realize that they will be the leaders and role models for the future and must learn to reach backward to assist those who are the pilgrims who will follow them???

How will the experience and quest for spiritual growth be enhanced (at least sped up) by our Millennials and Gen X’ers? Time will tell but “apps” and “games” will possibly become part of the modern day process toward enlightenment. AND, we certainly need better and faster ways to achieve spiritual consciousness.

The Masters of the Journey community is searching for leaders from the the Millennial and Generation X generations to help build bridges to other wisdom seekers and to build much needed programs for consciousness development.

Blaming and Dodging Responsibility

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Tough topic for many (most) people… Is it easier to blame others than to take responsibility for the challenges that life throws at you? Sure it is! We have been taught to defend our “position” (at any cost.) You are taught to “judge” other people and look for their weaknesses or imperfections so we can pretend to “elevate” ourselves. Winning and competing is valued by our culture. Yet, the way to a better, happier, healthier world is not found in tearing other people down or fixing our “wrong-headedness” in the concrete of our emotional foundations.

Many times, it is better to look at a difficult situation and to learn how and why We Put Ourselves in this situation. It is not a conscious choice BUT there is a lesson we are to learn from, and so, move on our path to consciousness. As an example, 19 years into my marriage with my life partner, my wife, we were confronted with a terminal diagnosis with her ovarian cancer. Initially, I was confused with why (?) and how I was going to support her and to deal with this. I do NOT wish this situation on anyone, however, I would not trade this difficult life experience. There is so much learning that comes from this situation. This brutal experience made us closer than we had ever been before. Since her death in 2012, I have continued to learn and to grow. It is a major reason I am in the position of writing this blog in an act of sharing from the lessons I am continuing to learn.

Why we were “supposed” to endure this challenge is not fully explainable. However, I realize that this experience has huge value in learning my purpose in this life and helps me to be of service, with much greater compassion and resolve. Blaming the doctor who missed the diagnosis was easy and familiar but did not serve me. I am learning that taking responsibility for my role and my learning makes me understand how best to take a seemingly negative life challenge and make this a teaching moment, not just for me, as I continue my path through this life. I never thought that after losing my marriage that I was alone, but I have learned so much more about my relationships with friends and with starting my life over (in many respects) later in this life…

My life AND YOUR life have been filled with challenges and successes which we were meant to have as developmental tools. We can blame other people and situations for the pain we have felt or we can find a way to thank these difficulties for teaching us what WE have needed to learn. We can take responsibility and NOT live as victims. We can take our learned lessons and find ways to be of service by sharing our stories and the wisdom which we have been forced to learn! We can begin to remember that the divine purpose of these trials have been presented to us not just for our learning but as a way to raise the consciousness of everyone we come into contact with.

Consider how YOU can learn from the situations where YOU feel like blaming. Consider how you are responsible for  these painful situations through the choices you have chosen to make. AND, take responsibility for the wisdom you have found! Reach around and use this wisdom to assist other pilgrims you meet in this life. Fulfill your purpose to serve the divine.

Though this is difficult to read, and to understand, know that you are perfect. You are a master sent to grace this plane of consciousness with your learned wisdom. The world IS a better place because of the role you are here to play. Serve by being a light, a role model of the collected experiences and learnings you have gleaned from this human experience. Thank you for being you! Thank you for surviving and learning from the painful challenges! Blessings on your continued path.

Consider sharing your stories and your wisdom with the community of Masters of the Journey. Or, get involved in this communities events, many listed at www.facebook.com/mastersofthejourney

Growing the Garden: a Reason to Live

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Do you have a good reason to live? Is there something motivating you that may help you to live longer should you find yourself with a terminal illness? I have seen mothers with young children use their love of their children to fight off near-death experiences. When asked why they chose to come back from their near-death incident, they have answered they could not leave yet, knowing that their young children would be left to grow without them. This experience has surfaced when severe accidents and terminal illness were involved. Some people are ready to pass into the next consciousness and “let go” more easily. Some people fear death or for other reasons stubbornly hold on to living. I had a male client in his late thirties who had anger as a motivation to keep living years beyond his prognosis. His wife and younger children suffered the torment of living with this angry, frustrated husband/father. When he finally did let go, there was some relief felt by caregivers and family. In this particular case, his death-defying behaviors were actually viewed as a torture for his family. Sad, but true.

Then there are people like my late wife, Barbara. She lived beyond her prognosis. She appreciated and celebrated every day that she lived with her cancer. One of her positive motivators was her passion for growing plants in her garden. Like the Winchester Mystery House, she continued to add more garden and more plants every chance she got. She rejoiced with every blossom that developed. She celebrated every vegetable that matured. She had weeding projects and building projects that never seemed to end. When she cut her blossoming flowers and brought them inside to decorate our home, I felt her joy and saw her beaming smile. She took all of our visitors on a tour of her gardens to celebrate her creations and the sensation of life that these plants symbolized. Their appreciation bolstered her energy. This energy kept her stronger for her treatments and helped her to maintain an exercise regimen. She kept her focus on living and did not discuss her condition. She did not want to be known as a cancer patient or someone struggling with a terminal illness. She did not want sympathy but wanted to bask in joy, health, happiness and the Light. She planned future dates of positive events with family and friends. She looked to the blessings in the future and not to the gathering clouds.

If this is relevant to you or to someone you know, I encourage you to help them bask in the Light of life’s celebrations. Enjoy the happiness and joys in each new day. Focus on what is working and keep moving forward.

Thank you for your attention and your time. With my love and my challenge, please keep moving closer to the light of unconditional love and higher consciousness… Find joy!

Death and Dying: Fear and Anxiety

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Can you live fully if you fear death? Can you be fully present in life if you are distracted by dying? Does there come a time in your life when you can let go of your anxiety and celebrate your life?

These are not easy questions and yet they are surprisingly common. After your birth, the only certainty is that at some point you will die. No big deal, ’cause we all gotta do this, BUT, it is a big deal! In a metaphysical frame of reference, the fear and anxiety may come from the part of YOU that does NOT move on. Let’s back up! Many of us remember that our soul/spirit is neither created nor destroyed, it just changes form. As a spirit, we have lessons or challenges to encounter and we get into our life in a certain “Meat-suit” (body) so we can experience the lessons which we need to “move on.” Our “meat-suit” comes complete with a brain, emotions, “ego,” physical attributes, AND mortality. This body does not get to move on into the divine, it simply goes back into the Earth’s elements and is recycled.

The lack of our brain’s ability to understand death and our “ego’s” mortality, make for the fear and anxiety which many of us consider and shudder to deal with. Real scary fears surface and cause major distractions in life. My father was afraid of change and very fearful of dying. He did not know to trust the experience of “letting go” anywhere in his life. As he got older, his anxiety increased and he seemed to turn to his religion for comfort and found little peace of mind. He was scared! On the other hand, my mother’s life was filled with intuition and trust. She loved change and travel and adventure. Late in her life, she was somewhat impatient regarding letting go of the limitations of her body so she could “move on.” Two different role models for me. I chose to be a bit more like mom in these regards.

Some people are blessed with experiences which offer insight into death and dying like a “near death experience” (NDE) which allows them to visit the dying process but return for more living. There are many accounts written in books and articles which describe these documented experiences. In the accounts which I have read, death seems comfortable and not scary to the soul. Upon returning, the individual who experienced the NDE seems to live with less burdens regarding anxiety of dying. In many cases, there is a greater appreciation of life and greater enjoyment in experiencing living. Consider reading some of these accounts for yourself. I recommend, Ken Ring, Ph.D. as an author and researcher on NDE’s, but there are many popular books on this topic and first hand accounts of near death experience. If you read these and find them familiar, you may relieve some fear of death.

Spiritual development and learning to be more “present” can also offer you the insight that will give you comfort. I am currently participating in study groups reading the “Course in Miracles” and “The Way of Mastery” which challenge me to consider a way to find the “Divine Spirit” in my day to day living. Many meditation practices are also helpful and create positive insights which allow you develop your intuition and connection with your soul/spirit. There is great value in finding a loving supportive community where you can share the anxieties which may arise and the questions which surface. My only warning is to find a community where you are accepted for who you are and does not want you to conform in ways that restrict your spirit’s need for expansion and ACCEPTANCE. We are all in this together and we benefit from supporting others without the “judgements” that can separate us.

Blessing to you on your path. Find a way of supporting other pilgrims and reach around to lend a hand.

If you require resources for finding community or are looking to checkout other consciousness development processes, consider the new and evolving community called Masters of the Journey. We are building a website and have a Facebook presence to assist people who are searching… Please take good care of yourself.

If appropriate, please share this blog. Thank you.

Learning from Loss and Tragedy

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Have you ever suffered a loss? Of course, who hasn’t? Even if this loss was a “Tragedy,” was there some benefit from the lesson you had to learn?

Every human has suffered from a loss? The loss of a job. The loss of a relationship. The loss of money or property. The loss of your innocence. The loss of a loved one, a friend, a parent, a sibling, a close family member, or a child can be a difficult, if not devastating, challenge. The most difficult group I ever had to speak with was a support group for parents who had lost their child. Many in this group were suffering. Some even after many, many years after the death. A parent’s grief is especially difficult.

My reason in writing this blog comes from my own experience with loss and grief. I seemed to manage with the death of my father when I was 35 years old. My mother passed when I was almost 51. I thought I knew something about loss and grief. The greatest lesson was when my life partner, wife, and friend, Barbara, passed away from Ovarian Cancer when I was 61. I thought that I was prepared because we had 8.5 years after receiving her “terminal” diagnosis. My naivety protected me right up until the reality of the “void” set in… It took me one year before I could even began to look at the trauma this health challenge and loss of my wife had manifested within me. Some people get angry, bitter, sad, or anxious. For me, the loss of my partner of nearly 30 years was a vacuum that could not be filled.

Today, 4.5 years later, I realize the amazing blessing I have received from this valuable lesson. The blessing comes from learning much about myself, grief, and the empathy I developed from this painful personal lesson. With surprise, I have grown from the experience of this “misfortune” as I realize the new perspective on life and even the “joy” that came from the ashes of a loss.

Sheryl Sandberg speaks about her appreciation and the lessons of gratitude she learned from losing her husband, suddenly, to an unexpected cardiac incident. Her speech at the 2016 UC Berkeley Commencement was removed from youtube however, know that I was moved to tears as I listened to her story.

“When life gives you lemons, learn to make lemonade,” the old saying goes. But finding your strength and resilience from a difficult loss can provide you with one of life’s greatest challenges and benefits. Learn, accept, and share the lessons. (Remember, you learn best by sharing your story AND you can be of service as you help to create awareness in those who you offer your experience.) When you “KNOW” the value of surviving your loss, you can move on to other lessons in this life.

Life is precious. Joy and Gratitude can be derived from unexpected appreciations of even the darkest moments. Learn from your challenges and reach around to assist other pilgrims as we move along the pathway of our lives.

Blessings.

Share this blog, if appropriate. More support for your spiritual development can be found at the Masters of the Journey website: www.mastersofthejourney.com or at the Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/mastersofthejourney

By the way, if you want to explore more information regarding death and dying, consider reading the many books written regarding Near Death Experiences (NDE’s) which can shed light on the situation your departed person experiences but offers little for your personal grief created by the void generated from the loss of your “Loved” one. In doing this research, it allows me to gain spiritual insight which helps me to live more easily in a state of grace.

Please take good care of yourself!

Spring: Rebirth and Death in the Light

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It is April, 2016 and in the Northwest, Bellingham, Washington, we are feeling the warmth of sunshine and Spring! Life is blooming in every sense of the word. Life is exploding because that is what life is supposed to do at this time of year, in fact, at any time of year. Flowers are springing. Birds are doing what birds do. Joy, light, and even, Love, fill the air. We in the NW are basking in the beauty and the return of the longer, warmer days…

So two nights ago we had a small gathering at my house and a friend speaks up regarding the sudden and painful news about a childhood friend who, for his own unexplained reasons, had taken his own life! This has happened before and will happen again but the angst in the midst of re-birth weighs heavily upon the mind, emotions, and the soul of my friend (and others in this situation.) What can you say? What can you do to console a friend in this unexplainable situation and his grief? There is a lesson here for those who are left to ask, WHY??? There is a life challenge and lesson about death that we who are left behind must endure.

Another friend finds the following article about death, http://spiritlibrary.com/uriel-heals/death-dying-grace-and-peace and we read and possibly learn something from the thoughts and experience of another pilgrim. Perhaps you have been in this situation or know someone else who is? Perhaps this blog or the linked article can be of service? Perhaps you can contribute additional thoughts, articles, or videos to our library for referral to others who struggle and ask WHY?.

No matter how you contribute, thank you for your time and consideration. Meditate and send a prayer to my friend Glen or anyone else you know who may need some unconditional love and support. AND, do not miss the opportunity to hug your family and friends and tell them you love them!!!

Blessings, light, and love to you. May you bask in the warmth of sunlight and unconditional love… Appreciate Life and be Present! Find the way YOU can serve and share Love!

Share this article, if appropriate, and respond if you feel that you can add a positive contribution. We are ALL in this together and what has an effect upon one of us, challenges all of us…

Be well. Find your Bliss and celebrate life, even if you feel the struggle…

Coping with Grief and Loss – a Process

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We all suffer from loss in our lives. Sometimes the loss relates to transitions through life that are normal and expected states of growth and development such as moving from childhood, through the teenage years, and then into the adult responsibilities that confront most people. Though this is a difficult transition, we must all face this if we live past our 18th birthday. There are more serious or traumatic losses that many of us encounter such as the death of close family member or friend, the loss of health due to accident or illness, the loss of an important relationship, or possibly the loss experienced with a career change or loss of a job. These are difficult times and hard lessons to experience in the course of life. These losses, though potentially painful, can be times of learning and personal growth. Many of these transitions can be less distracting and with a greater potential for learning if you have a positive support network. Here is the dilemma. Most people do not have a network of healthy, positive supporters to allow for movement through difficult transitions with grace and healing perspectives.

We can learn from our painful transitions and losses. We can wade through these changes more gracefully, and possibly with less discomfort, if we have the best team of support surrounding us. Some people look for professional counselors or coaches, or perhaps clergy to help with difficult transitions. Some of us have personal mentors who can be trusted and who have the necessary communication skills to assist in times of need. Some of us have healthy relationships, friends or family who can help without too much of their own “baggage.” Many people do not have enough access to the positive supporters who can help us through the grief that life throws at us.

There are many books and potential sources of information which help us to understand the process of dealing with loss and grief but for most people reading about the grief process is not enough. We need to be supported by a personalized experience that we can gather around us as we muddle our way through our emotional and spiritual pains of loss. We need to be “touched” by the proper support in many ways. We need to be allowed our grief and yet “called on it” when we have gone past the limit and start the “wallowing process.” We need to find the exact, personalized process to assist in managing the stress, anxiety, pain, confusion, and the “emptiness” of replacing the part of ourselves which has been lost with the more experienced and empowered person who has survived a major change/loss/growth…

Each of us need to find the best way to learn our lesson and then to move on into our new, restructured life. We need to learn the best way to take care of ourselves, benefit from the lessons, and then discover the most appropriate directions to move our new life. To do this, we need to find people we can trust and invest the resources into the process of self-care and self-development so we can move down the path that leads to our goals. This is easier said than done, but if you realize that you would survive this transition more easily and possibly more quickly with positive assistance then you must do the work and find the correct support you require.

In the future, we will be expanding and releasing information regarding a new program which can assist most people in developing an individualized transition plan. We are beginning to build a process for creating a positive support network which will enable participants to discover their strengths, accept their weakness or flaws, and to free up energy to invest for moving toward positive goals and enhanced lifestyles. The working title for this process is “Finding Your Tone.”

Please comment or send questions to the Stress Education Center at wellness@dstress.com or visit the website at www.dstress.com.

Caregivers and Stress

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There are no easy answers. You love or care for another person and there is no way that you can “fix” the person. They may be sick or hurt or in some sort of difficult situation and no matter what you do, you can not make the “challenge” go away. You are, by some definition, a “victim.” You have “no control” over what happens or how your person of concern is going to respond to their situation. Sometimes you have to “just sit on your hands” while the situation “plays out.” I do not like being in this situation. I want to be actively doing something to help, or at least running around trying to get the healing energies flowing, but this does not always prove useful or may not have any degree of success in changing the situation.

Parents feel this way about their children as they put their kids out into the world to live and to learn the lessons of life. People feel this way when their aging parents begin to fail. Spouses will often feel this kind of helplessness when their partner has been impacted by a severe health or financial challenge. Indeed, most of us who have made it into adolescence have experienced relationships that can evoke this feeling of concern without the power or control to save, or at least help, our friend, family member, schoolmate, or co-worker. People are “caring creatures” much of the time. Our need to nurture and care are “higher functioning” activities that often set us apart from other creatures on our planet. But, though we are often born with this desire to nurture, we are not taught how to deal with stress or anxiety of caring for another person (or pet) when we can not really fix the situation.

Caring without having control can cause anxiety and can lead to depression. In my own life, as a caregiver for my wife, I have experienced the closeness that caring can bring to a relationship and yet the stress and depression that can come from a situation that does not come to a positive resolution, is very difficult to live with. As I have advised others, I practice stress and anxiety management. I get regular exercise. I try to eat in a “healthy” way. I maintain friendships that are positive and therapeutic. I keep busy and productive. BUT, I have those moments when I lie awake, with a mind that will not stop its endless chatter, filling me with worry and concern for my beloved partner. There is not much else I can do but worry, but worry is not helpful.

There are times when my consciousness will drift into a place of spiritual insight and feel the power of these lessons. Though my heart is heavy and my mind races with anxious thoughts, deep inside I touch the source of some unclear wisdom regarding the “point” and the lesson that I am struggling to learn. My only thought for you, if you find yourself in this predicament, is to calm yourself as much as possible (not an easy request) and then go deep within to bask in the light of unconditional love. Find and celebrate the lesson. In this case remember that you can not “push the river.” Sometimes we must just find the feeling and the wisdom of acceptance.

And, do not forget your need for self-care to help sustain you through this difficult lesson. Also, celebrate every moment. Try not to live in the past or in the future. As is said, “Be Here Now!”

Please take GOOD care of yourself!

Dilemma of the Caregiver

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What are you supposed to do? When you are a caregiver for a person with a terminal illness and you want to provide assistance no matter what the patient wants. At some point, a choice will be made to end treatment and begin “end of life” hospice support. If you are family to a terminally ill person, you may not want them to die but you may have to support the decision to prepare for the “end.” This can be the definition of ambivalence. And, to what extremes do you decide to participate??? 100% 50% or what??? How can you LIVE with yourself and the extent of your participation? Do you want to feel like you did everything possible for your loved one, or, for yourself? “Yourself” may have different requirements of 100% participation… A true conflict….

It is hard to know what is expected and to what degree you will feel OK in participation. When my father lay dying from a CVA (stroke), I sat by his bed and told him not to be afraid, to let go, and to embrace the dying experience. He needed this comforting because he was afraid to let go. As a son, I felt horrible about losing my father and yet I was the only person available to support him in “letting go.” (At least, that is how I felt.) My personal loss and pain was “trumped” by the need to serve and support my father.

Almost everyone, who lives long enough, will lose a family member or friend. It is an experience in life that we are often poorly prepared for. Everyone is unique and every situation of personal loss is different. For me, I find myself on a roller coaster with many dimensions. As I write this blog, my wife has been living with a terminal illness for 7 years. The doctors gave her a maximum life expectancy of 5 years at the first diagnosis. We have lived with the nightmare of losing a precious life well before she is prepared to go. She has done everything she could afford (mental, emotionally, spiritually, financially) to do to maintain her life. We are beginning to lose this battle. Her cancer is beginning to wear us down and to win. I have very little control and I do not want to lose my bride and my life partner. I want to do my part of supporting her as well as I can. The dilemma for me is what am I supposed to do? Do I tell her to fight or, do I assist her to “let go”? How will I be able to live with myself, no matter which way I go??? So far, I have tried to follow her lead and to help her to do what she has done in the first 7 years which is to fight the cancer, but there are emotional and spiritual changes beginning. She is not avoiding the discussion regarding the “end of life” choices that we may need to make. Though, intellectually I knew that this time would come, it is very difficult for me to transition to fully, 100%, support her process of letting go.

I know that I will do what is necessary, but the ambivalence is confusing me and this roller coaster ride is not the kind of fun that I would easily recommend. The learning from this process is intense and I know that I am not the first person to move through the caregivers’ dilemma. I am not the first man to be in the process of losing his wife, but this is the first time I have ever lost a partner of all these years. A lesson to be learned, and relearned, is to appreciate everyday and live every moment as if it might be the last….

Hug your family and friends… Tell them that you love them.

This blog was written in 2010 about 15 months before my wife passed. The dilemma for others who find themselves in the role of a caregiver to a friend or family member is not unique to my situation. Please take good care of yourself and enjoy every minute you can share…

More information and articles at www.dstress.com