Category Archives: Anger

Connecting for Peace

Posted on by

This Summer, 2016, the world has been inundated by difficult news from around the world! Now, more than ever before it is time to come together AND to connect with the spirit of peace. To “judge” these developments as “bad” is easy for most of us who want the people of the world to get along and to work together for the common good of everyone on this planet (some think before it is too late….) Perhaps these man made disasters are not “bad” but necessary “wake up calls?” WHY do we need such “wake up calls?” My heart is troubled by the lengths people must take to be noticed! The innocent “victims” giving their lives, or their health, to the attention seeking, disenfranchised mayhem seekers.

It is NOT time to feel powerless or to wallow in the Media driven frenzy. It IS time to find the peace and the deepest seated LOVE to send out through your thoughts and prayers to all humankind. Now is the time to picture peace in the world. When enough of us focus on this highest level of unconditional love, knowing that we are all “one” with each other souls, we can begin to change the consciousness of others spirits, even the ones suffering with anger, rage, and hostility. A daily dose of blessing seems more appropriate than time spent watching the “news” on TV.

At the end of my daily meditation, I picture the golden white light of love going out from my heart to envelop the world, the solar system, the galaxy, and then the Universe. Why not? It can do no harm to focus upon LOVE and to pray for peace for ALL! I have no way of “knowing” with my mind if this helps, but I KNOW that my heart and my soul feel good to offer these positive energies…

Blessings to you, whether you work for peace or not. We are all in this together no matter what your mind tells you. We are ALL one with the Divine Spirit.

Please take good care of yourself and find the best way for YOU to go out and do good in the World! Be the shining beacon of hope as you role model the goodness of spirit!

No matter where you are, connect with a “Loving” community and collectively meditate on a Universe filled with Joy, Happiness, Love, and Supreme Consciousness. Mankind may be just a brief “Blip” in the history of our Universe but I wish that we can learn our “lessons” and more fully “Remember” the blessings of the Divine within our souls and spirits. YOU are NOT powerless in the face of the world’s challenges. You must fill the void with a positive thought and your positive energy! Broadcast LOVE!

Peace.

L. John Mason, Ph.D.

Founder of the Stress Education Center and Masters of the Journey, Transformational Community

Growing the Garden: a Reason to Live

Posted on by

Do you have a good reason to live? Is there something motivating you that may help you to live longer should you find yourself with a terminal illness? I have seen mothers with young children use their love of their children to fight off near-death experiences. When asked why they chose to come back from their near-death incident, they have answered they could not leave yet, knowing that their young children would be left to grow without them. This experience has surfaced when severe accidents and terminal illness were involved. Some people are ready to pass into the next consciousness and “let go” more easily. Some people fear death or for other reasons stubbornly hold on to living. I had a male client in his late thirties who had anger as a motivation to keep living years beyond his prognosis. His wife and younger children suffered the torment of living with this angry, frustrated husband/father. When he finally did let go, there was some relief felt by caregivers and family. In this particular case, his death-defying behaviors were actually viewed as a torture for his family. Sad, but true.

Then there are people like my late wife, Barbara. She lived beyond her prognosis. She appreciated and celebrated every day that she lived with her cancer. One of her positive motivators was her passion for growing plants in her garden. Like the Winchester Mystery House, she continued to add more garden and more plants every chance she got. She rejoiced with every blossom that developed. She celebrated every vegetable that matured. She had weeding projects and building projects that never seemed to end. When she cut her blossoming flowers and brought them inside to decorate our home, I felt her joy and saw her beaming smile. She took all of our visitors on a tour of her gardens to celebrate her creations and the sensation of life that these plants symbolized. Their appreciation bolstered her energy. This energy kept her stronger for her treatments and helped her to maintain an exercise regimen. She kept her focus on living and did not discuss her condition. She did not want to be known as a cancer patient or someone struggling with a terminal illness. She did not want sympathy but wanted to bask in joy, health, happiness and the Light. She planned future dates of positive events with family and friends. She looked to the blessings in the future and not to the gathering clouds.

If this is relevant to you or to someone you know, I encourage you to help them bask in the Light of life’s celebrations. Enjoy the happiness and joys in each new day. Focus on what is working and keep moving forward.

Thank you for your attention and your time. With my love and my challenge, please keep moving closer to the light of unconditional love and higher consciousness… Find joy!

Art of Listening

Posted on by

Is Communication Important?
Is Connection important?
Is Listening important to relationships?

Is there an art to effective communication?

At the core of good communication are two essential skills:
The art of offering a clear communication
The art of Receiving a communication

In this Blog, we focus of the Art of Listening:

Good Listening can involve:
Hearing what is being communicated but also of importance to receiving an interpersonal communication is the use of other primary senses. I will explain why, seeing helps hearing. Also why, feeling helps hearing. Even smelling and tasting can play a role in experiencing a communication.

There is a philosophy which believes that we have two ears and one mouth because we are supposed to listen twice as much.

Hearing is much more than just registering the speaker’s words. It can also include: tone of voice, volume, choice of wording, pace of speaking, pauses and silences, and the unspoken content or what is left out of the communication.

Seeing: Non-verbal cues: gestures, body language, facial expressions, breathing patterns, the speakers presentation are things which we “see” consciously or unconsciously. Very essential to good communication is encouraging eye contact and attention. Being focused and “present” without distracting thoughts in the witness/listner will allow for better connection and comprehension of the communication.

Feeling: Will include listening between the words and feeling the impact of the words which are used. Interpreting the hearing and the visuals that are presented. If physical contact is a part of the communication, feeling your partner’s intent through pressure or movement can be a feeling which communicates volumes.

Humans use less of the sensations of smell and taste in communication but these subtle cues can also add to the experience of the communication. Consider how perfume or body oder add to the experience. Or, how the smells of the environment can enhance or detract from communication like baking bread or the pungent smell of antiseptic in a hospital room. And, what does the taste of a shared meal do to add to a communication.

Perhaps the most important skill in the Art of Listening is to be “Present.” This is easier said than done. Being “Present” involves using your focus to minimize your internal distractions. Avoid extraneous thoughts or the habit of finding an answer to what you hear until it is your turn to add to the conversation. Even if you get defensive, it is better to hear the speaker out and ask clarifying question to make sure you fully understand what is being said so you can answer most effectively. Emotions can cause “knee-jerk” reactions which often cause more harm than good in a possibly tense conversation. It would be better, in most situations, if you treat your communication partners as if they were a very important figure like: the Pope, or the President, or even God. With this intended reverence in listening to your speaker, you have the best chance of “Hearing” at all levels to get the very most from the communication. In other words, listen to your communication partner as well or better than you would want to be heard.

To sum up, the Art of Listening is more than registering the words you may hear. Read between the lines and feel what is really being communicated. Use every one of your 5 physical senses and your intuition (or gut feelings) to take in the full communication. And finally, in the Art of Listening give the greatest gift of respect which one person can offer another by being fully focused and present with the love and appreciation that comes from the deepest honor the “Sharing” that you are being gifted to receive.

Coaching and training are available at the Stress Education Center, www.dstress.com.

Key to Communication: Really Listening!

Posted on by

Successful communication in interpersonal relationships can be very important in business and in one’s personal life. This is not difficult to realize as a concept but it can be difficult to achieve. There are many variables that help a communication or make communication go terribly wrong. Some of these variables you can control and some you can not. An example, you may be very focus and clear regarding an important topic of conversation you may have with a client but you can not control the client’s focus or state of mind. They may be busy on “other” things and can not “engage” or focus on what you are saying.

So let’s discuss some of the variables that you can understand and control. Two of the most important ones in interpersonal communication are Timing and Listening. There are many other variables which we will discuss in other articles but let’s start with these two variables.

Timing is key in every aspect of relationships. If one side is distracted or unavailable, it is not fortuitous for the success of a communication. Scheduling the time and getting an agreement regarding this appointment are essential when your communication is critical. If you can not create an environment that is relatively undistracted and conducive to an appropriate exchange then your important message may be missed. Find the best time and space for you to communicate. At the beginning of the conversation, it may be best to ask again if this is a “good time” to talk, knowing that just because your partner has shown up at the appointment it does not mean that they are ready and undistracted. So, checkin. Make sure the table is clear and they are ready to participate. If not, and your communication is of critical value, you may have to reschedule or risk the failure of the process.

Perhaps even more importantly, is the skill to listen! It is easier said than done, but an essential key to great communication is not speaking but listening to your partner. If you interrupt, or think ahead, or find an emotional tangent to distract you, or simply lose your focus, your partner will sense your lack of “presence” and be distracted in a way which may make the meeting destined to failure. Use all of your senses to focus and to listen to what your communication partner is saying. Make eye contact. Relax your breathing to encourage your partner to relax. Respect your partners words and their opinion even if you may disagree. Do not interrupt! Keep your mouth closed until you can assist your partner by asking and “open ended question” to help clarify what they are communicating. Restate what you have heard to make sure you are very clear about what they are attempting to convey to you. Only after restatement and permission to response, is it a good time to find your appropriate answer. Show some gratitude to your partner. As a reminder, shouting someone else down does show intelligence, maturity or respect for a positive outcome.

Hint, for the best possible communication: Listen to your communication partner as if you respected this relationship so much it would be as if you were listening to the most honored elder or even, as if you were sitting in the presence of God. (Some people believe that you can find the perfect spirit of the divine in everyone, if you look for it.)

It has been said that we were given two ears and one mouth so we could listen twice as much. This is critical in personal relationships, friendships, family, and in business. Timing and listening. You are going to be more successful if you remember these keys to better communication.

We will have more to share regarding communication. This is a start. Please respond and try these two concepts in your next “important” communication.

Coaching and training are available at the Stress Education Center, www.dstress.com.

10 Steps to Manage Anger in the Workplace

Posted on by

1. Identify who is angry
Train your managers and employees to identify the behaviors that can signal an anger challenged co-worker and have a positive system that will report these behaviors to management for further investigation. Do not wait.

2. Identify why they are angry
Interview reporting staff to determine whether indications warrant further review. Interview subject to determine why they may be angry at work. Offer positive solutions for individual stress and anger control or refer to EAP if appropriate and available.

3. Find solutions to organizations’ culture as it pertains to anger
Do not stick your head in the sand. Tackle the possible organizational issues that may be creating the stress and anger within your organization and work to solve these challenges.

4. Train leaders to create a culture of civility
Leadership comes from the top down and must address the issues with resolve. If anger is inbred in an organization’s leaders this becomes a difficult but important concern. The costs of anger are too high, in the long run, for an organization to be most productive and long standing. Retention of key personnel becomes an issue, if the leadership creates a culture that tolerates, or encourages, anger in the work place. Legal issues will also become an issue that cuts profits and productivity.

5. Train managers to identify anger and manage teams/individuals with issues
Managers require training, support, and good leadership. Coaching or mentoring managers, especially new managers who have risen from technical backgrounds, becomes an essential ingredient for most successful organizations. This will also reduce turn-over, sabotage, and legal challenges.

6. Train employees to control their stress and anger appropriately
Give all of your employees the tools they need to manage their own individual stresses and anger. Do not assume that they will learn civility and self-management outside of work. Though this requires time, resources, and management attention, it will pay off in increased organizational productivity and employee loyalty.

7. Manage organizational stress and transition management
Learn how to manage your organizations transitions and help your executives and employees survive the stress at work. This will prevent problems and create an environment where positive performance can thrive.

8. Create an anger management program for individuals with clear goals
When someone has an identified anger management challenge, it may be a great management decision to assist your personnel with a anger management program rather than replacing these people or expecting and outside agency to fix your “problem.” Programs can be tailored for your specific requirements. Some have a 2 day seminar and individual coaching if individuals require additional support. Other organizations may have on-going, and mandatory, groups for people identified with anger challenges. External coaches or therapists are often hired for these programs so confidentiality does not become an issue in the work environment.

9. Take immediate action: Zero tolerance of anger and violence
Tolerating anger displays or violence is dangerous. It can send the wrong message and opening your organization up to harassment law suits. Leaders must be strong with this Zero Tolerance.

10. Offer ways to speak out safely about issues to prevent anger and violence (be open to creative solutions)
Create venues that allow people to be heard. Respect diversity of opinion. Create a safe way to express appropriate levels of stress and frustration. Always look to build a better environment and culture.
To implement these principles can require resolve and leadership. Many organizations require coaching and consulting to make these deep changes to their culture. The pay-off can be found in increased productivity, loyalty, and more creativity to problem solving.

L. John Mason, Ph.D. is the author of the best selling “Guide to Stress Reduction.” Since 1977, he has offered Success & Executive Coaching and Training.

Please visit the Stress Education Center’s website at Stress, Stress Management, Coaching, and Training for articles, free newsletter signup, and learn about the new telecourses that are available. If you would like information or a targeted proposal for training or coaching, please contact us at (360) 593-3833.

If you are looking to promote your training or coaching career, please investigate the Professional Stress Management Training and Certification Program for a secondary source of income or as career path.

Dealing with Angry or Anxious Clients

Posted on by

Every situation is unique because the people involved are different. With that said, this blog can offer a basic introduction on strategies that may assist you when you are confronted by anxious or angry clients or customers (consumers.) The event that brought these people into confrontation with you is important to understand and needs to be worked into your solution.

For example, image that you are being confronted by an “upset” consumer who wants to acquire iodine pills to prevent thyroid cancer after a nuclear release in Japan has blown over to your region. The national government has limited the supply of these pills because the government wants the pills to go to the regions where it will be needed most, due to limitations on the supply. The media has whipped up the levels of anxiety and many people are not thinking clearly, impulsively wanting the medication that may not be needed for their specific demographic. You have access to the medication but are not allowed to release it unless your customer meets certain criteria which has been established by some far away governmental agency. What do you do in this situation where you have very little control but are on the front line for taking the “heat” for this media whipped frenzy???

It is good to start by understanding why people react the way that they do in a crisis situation. People often perceive themselves in mortal danger. Their flight-fight response is triggered by the fear created by half truths the media passes off as news. When this panicked response begins, the rational parts of our brains often “shut down” or at least, takes a reduced decision making position subservient to the more primitive part of the brain where the automatic survival mechanisms are centered. This primitive part of the brain, also called the “reptilian brain” because it is related to primitive reptilian responses from millions of years ago is more dominant in certain stressful situations when we require quick reactions to survive. The basic emotions that are expressed when we are stressed are ANGER, FEAR (anxious), Sadness, and, perhaps surprisingly, Joy! These are the 4 basic emotions and these emotions have primitive origins. So, people who are stressed often reduce their abilities to think, problem solve, and communicate, and go into a reactive mood where fear or anger are close to the surface and are demonstrated. Knowing this, you must begin to identify who is angry or fearful and why. Why are they not understanding the full picture? Probably because they do not have all the information and they can not problem solve well due to the stress/anxiety they are processing.

If you have time, the following list offers some of the best ways to handle this situation in order of how you might proceed:

1. Ask questions regarding their base of knowledge and, more importantly, their feelings (fears, anger, anxiety). What is their history of this situation? Often they are trying to protect a loved one and they feel powerless to control a difficult situation. Consider their source of news or mis-information but do not confront them about this in the early stages.

2. Calm them down. Re-state their concerns by repeating back what you have heard and ask them to correct any of YOUR mis-understandings about their specific situation. Know what you are dealing with AND show the respect of listening to their fears/concerns. Offer them ways to comfort themselves in this difficult situation.

3. Get them information about their concern so they can make an informed decision. When they ask questions, give them more information, as patiently as possible. Do not expect a “rational response.” Keep your emotions (frustration) in check, as best you can, to help defuse the panicked response. (I was reminded that in difficult situations people will “go shopping” for the “answer that they want to hear,” so consistent answers or policy descriptions will save you a lot of grief… This requires training for the people who have jobs communicating with the public.)

4. Negotiate a solution that helps to solve their emotional response. Provide time lines, as best you can. Be as honest as you can be, based on the information you have.

5. Honesty and compassion, when sincere, are 2 of your best tools. Brutal honesty, though, is not called for in a stressful situation. Good bedside manner will often get you farther, faster. Reflecting their concerns back to them in a different way will help them to feel heard and may save you time in the long run by helping to establish a positive rapport (or connection.)

6. Always, apologize to them for the situation even if you are not the cause of the problem, and if you are the cause, apologize most sincerely. People would like to feel that their response was correct, even when it is not.

7. If you have not done so already, take GOOD care of yourself. Calm down! Do not get “sucked in” to crazy emotionally driven behavior by your own lack of a solid emotional foundation.

8. If all else fails, say sincerely to yourself, “This to shall pass…” TRY to not get stuck in the “drama” (anxious feelings and reactions) because this will not do you, or anyone else, any good. When the dilemma has subsided, and you feel “out of the line of fire,” do what emergency responders do… make a bad or twisted joke about the difficult situation. This will help to take away its emotional power and can begin the process of your crisis de-briefing.

Good luck. Please take good care of yourself, preventively. Contact the Stress Education Center for coaching or organizational training to assist with managing this process at www.dstress.com.

Anger in the Workplace Part I

Posted on by

Costs of Anger and Identifying Anger at Work

Anger is one of the 4 basic emotions. These primitive responses manifest in men and women as a response to stressful stimuli. Any or all of these, 4 basic emotions can be observed as a response to stress, though each individual develops some dominant habits as response to life’s stimuli. The four emotional responses are Fear, Anger, Sadness (depression), or Joy. These four possible responses are generated from primitive parts of the brain that respond to the Flight/Fight survival response. Some people respond to change or other stress by becoming fearful and apprehensive about lack of control or the unknown. Other people withdraw into sadness or depression as a response to stress. There are some people who manifest their nervousness by laughing or giggling or possibly making inappropriate jokes as a response to a difficult or dangerous situation. This article focuses on anger.

Both men and women get angry. However, men are more likely to “act out” in an overt way in response to stress. In statistics supplied by the Justice Department regarding anger and violence in the workplace, 85% of violence in the workplace was perpetrated by men. Statistics also reflect that 1 of 4 employees are angry at work. Much quoted statistics from the Safe Workplace Institute states that in 1993 work place violence cost $4.2 Billion and that 111,000 incidents were reported. Anger can manifest in other forms that do appear to be acts of violence. Anger can manifest as absenteeism, turnover, low morale, poor communication, reduced productivity, poor customer service, sabotage, theft, aggressiveness, sexual harassment, and intimidation (“bullying”). This can be dangerous and expensive! Accidents, injuries, and legal problems can be tied to anger in the workplace.

WARNING SIGNS
Workplace anger is often buried by employees until they reach a point where they suddenly burst. This “bursting” point may manifest itself in a variety of ways. One employee may just yell at his manager, while another may impetuously decide to quit. Still others may resort to workplace violence or vandalism. Small business owners and managers should acquaint themselves with the warning signs of hidden anger so that they can address the causes for that anger and, hopefully, head off an incident before it occurs. Employees may exhibit behavior that is more obviously troubling.

Following are a range of behaviors that may signal a need for intervention:
• Overreaction to company policies or performance appraisals
• Prone to making direct or veiled threats
• Sarcastic, irritable, or moody behavior
• Apathetic and/or inconsistent work performance
• Aggressive and antisocial behavior
• Touchy relationships with other workers
• Obsessive involvement and/or emotional attachment to job

Counterproductive and expensive behaviors at work can be observed, and, should be dealt with as soon as possible. These may include:
1. Coming to work late without permission
2. Taking longer breaks
3. Complaining about insignificant things
4. Ignoring someone at work
5. Daydreaming rather than working
6. Trying to look busy
7. Being rude or nasty to client or co-worker
8. Leaving work early
9. Insulting fellow employees about job performance
10. Refusing to help out at work
11. Blaming colleagues for errors that they made
12. Verbally abusing a co-worker
13. Making fun of people at work
14. Avoiding returning telephone calls that are important
15. Telling people outside of work what a lousy place they work at
16. Failing to report a problem and allowing it to get worse
17. Withholding needed information
18. Intentionally coming late to meetings or appointments
19. Working slowly when things need to be done faster
20. Staying home and claiming to be sick
21. Purposely failing to follow instructions
22. Refusing work
23. Damaging equipment
24. Stealing
25. Using obscene gesture
26. Hitting or pushing someone at work
27. Threatening someone
28. Intentionally doing work wrong
29. Wasting materials or supplies
30. Starting malicious rumors

Factors that cause workplace anger can sometimes be addressed directly. While workplace anger sometimes can be traced back to prejudices that are at the root of deep-seated hostility, on many other occasions, work-oriented factors serve as the primary catalysts.

Common causes of workplace anger include:
• Favoritism of one employee over another.
• General harassment, whether sexual or some other form
• Rejection (whether arbitrary or for good reason) of a proposal or project in which employee has big emotional investment.
• Insensitivity by owners or managers.
• Criticisms of employees in front of staff or clients.
• Depersonalized workplace environment.
• Unfair (or tardy) performance appraisals or criticism.
• Lack of resources for the employee to meet his/her objectives.
• Inadequate training.
• Lack of teamwork.
• Withdrawal of earned benefits.
• Betrayal of trust extended to manager or owner.
• Unreasonable demands on employees.
• Does not keep promises.
• Lack of flexibility on part of owner or manager.
• Poor communication.
• Feedback is wholly or primarily negative in tone.
• Absentee leadership (such as instances wherein needed disciplinary action is absent).
• Micromanagerial environment in which staff decision making opportunities are limited.

Do not allow your organization to become a victim of workplace violence. The following article (part II) will help to create positive solutions to prevent or mitigate workplace anger and violence. Each organization is unique and this can create a situation where outside coaching for executives and managers can be the most successful way to solve challenges. Training for your employees can be tailored to be most effective for your unique situations.

L. John Mason, Ph.D. is the author of the best selling “Guide to Stress Reduction.” Since 1977, he has offered Success & Executive Coaching and Training.

Please visit the Stress Education Center’s website at Stress, Stress Management, Coaching, and Training for articles, free ezine (newsletter) signup, and learn about the new telecourses that are available. If you would like information or a targeted proposal for training or coaching, please contact us at (360) 593-3833.