Tag Archives: stress

Sleep Better Now !

Posted on by

18% of American adults complain to their doctors that they are tired and can not get enough “quality” sleep. Over 50% of the population has occasional problems: getting to sleep, staying asleep, or feeling rested upon awakening. Sleep medication is a best selling product. Tired workers make mistakes, get injured, and have accidents. We have a tired, maybe “sleepy” population. There are some simple but powerful things that you can do to minimize insomnia in your life.

Here is a great technique which is very relaxing. Especially useful if you have difficulty getting to sleep or you awaken during the night.

50 to 1 Countdown

As the name implies you count backward from 50 down to 1. The difference is that you count “1,2,3” between every number. So the counting goes: 50, 1,2,3, 49, 1,2,3, 48, 1,2,3, 47, 1,2,3, 46, 1,2,3,…… etc.
Your mind will be busy with these numbers and then get bored with the counting so that it will go to sleep (or back to sleep.) With an even pace this takes about 3 minutes to get down to 1, if you get that far. Some people can get to 1, but the second time through this counting they usually drift off.

This breathing/counting technique can be combined with a few simple changes that will compliment to effectiveness of this exercise.

• 1. Reduce, or better still, eliminate caffeine, even that one cup in the mourning. Many people are sensitive to caffeine, even a small amount. De-caf is an alternative.
• 2. Regular exercise will help, but not just before bedtime. Give it at least an hour, better 2, before bed.
• 3. Do not eat a big meal with 2 hours of bedtime, because this can get in the way of good sleep.
• 4. If all else fails, consider getting, and using, a guided relaxation on CD to help you to relax and to fall asleep. You will also benefit from a better quality of sleep.Try this. It can really work well for you.Please take good care of yourself.

L. John Mason, Ph.D. is the author of the best selling “Guide to Stress Reduction.” Since 1977, he has offered Executive Coaching and Training. www.dstress.com

Please visit the Stress Education Center’s website for articles, free ezine signup, and learn about the new telecourses that are available. If you would like information or a targeted proposal for training or coaching, please contact us at (360) 593-3833.

Caregivers and Stress

Posted on by

There are no easy answers. You love or care for another person and there is no way that you can “fix” the person. They may be sick or hurt or in some sort of difficult situation and no matter what you do, you can not make the “challenge” go away. You are, by some definition, a “victim.” You have “no control” over what happens or how your person of concern is going to respond to their situation. Sometimes you have to “just sit on your hands” while the situation “plays out.” I do not like being in this situation. I want to be actively doing something to help, or at least running around trying to get the healing energies flowing, but this does not always prove useful or may not have any degree of success in changing the situation.

Parents feel this way about their children as they put their kids out into the world to live and to learn the lessons of life. People feel this way when their aging parents begin to fail. Spouses will often feel this kind of helplessness when their partner has been impacted by a severe health or financial challenge. Indeed, most of us who have made it into adolescence have experienced relationships that can evoke this feeling of concern without the power or control to save, or at least help, our friend, family member, schoolmate, or co-worker. People are “caring creatures” much of the time. Our need to nurture and care are “higher functioning” activities that often set us apart from other creatures on our planet. But, though we are often born with this desire to nurture, we are not taught how to deal with stress or anxiety of caring for another person (or pet) when we can not really fix the situation.

Caring without having control can cause anxiety and can lead to depression. In my own life, as a caregiver for my wife, I have experienced the closeness that caring can bring to a relationship and yet the stress and depression that can come from a situation that does not come to a positive resolution, is very difficult to live with. As I have advised others, I practice stress and anxiety management. I get regular exercise. I try to eat in a “healthy” way. I maintain friendships that are positive and therapeutic. I keep busy and productive. BUT, I have those moments when I lie awake, with a mind that will not stop its endless chatter, filling me with worry and concern for my beloved partner. There is not much else I can do but worry, but worry is not helpful.

There are times when my consciousness will drift into a place of spiritual insight and feel the power of these lessons. Though my heart is heavy and my mind races with anxious thoughts, deep inside I touch the source of some unclear wisdom regarding the “point” and the lesson that I am struggling to learn. My only thought for you, if you find yourself in this predicament, is to calm yourself as much as possible (not an easy request) and then go deep within to bask in the light of unconditional love. Find and celebrate the lesson. In this case remember that you can not “push the river.” Sometimes we must just find the feeling and the wisdom of acceptance.

And, do not forget your need for self-care to help sustain you through this difficult lesson. Also, celebrate every moment. Try not to live in the past or in the future. As is said, “Be Here Now!”

Please take GOOD care of yourself!

10 Steps to Manage Anger in the Workplace

Posted on by

1. Identify who is angry
Train your managers and employees to identify the behaviors that can signal an anger challenged co-worker and have a positive system that will report these behaviors to management for further investigation. Do not wait.

2. Identify why they are angry
Interview reporting staff to determine whether indications warrant further review. Interview subject to determine why they may be angry at work. Offer positive solutions for individual stress and anger control or refer to EAP if appropriate and available.

3. Find solutions to organizations’ culture as it pertains to anger
Do not stick your head in the sand. Tackle the possible organizational issues that may be creating the stress and anger within your organization and work to solve these challenges.

4. Train leaders to create a culture of civility
Leadership comes from the top down and must address the issues with resolve. If anger is inbred in an organization’s leaders this becomes a difficult but important concern. The costs of anger are too high, in the long run, for an organization to be most productive and long standing. Retention of key personnel becomes an issue, if the leadership creates a culture that tolerates, or encourages, anger in the work place. Legal issues will also become an issue that cuts profits and productivity.

5. Train managers to identify anger and manage teams/individuals with issues
Managers require training, support, and good leadership. Coaching or mentoring managers, especially new managers who have risen from technical backgrounds, becomes an essential ingredient for most successful organizations. This will also reduce turn-over, sabotage, and legal challenges.

6. Train employees to control their stress and anger appropriately
Give all of your employees the tools they need to manage their own individual stresses and anger. Do not assume that they will learn civility and self-management outside of work. Though this requires time, resources, and management attention, it will pay off in increased organizational productivity and employee loyalty.

7. Manage organizational stress and transition management
Learn how to manage your organizations transitions and help your executives and employees survive the stress at work. This will prevent problems and create an environment where positive performance can thrive.

8. Create an anger management program for individuals with clear goals
When someone has an identified anger management challenge, it may be a great management decision to assist your personnel with a anger management program rather than replacing these people or expecting and outside agency to fix your “problem.” Programs can be tailored for your specific requirements. Some have a 2 day seminar and individual coaching if individuals require additional support. Other organizations may have on-going, and mandatory, groups for people identified with anger challenges. External coaches or therapists are often hired for these programs so confidentiality does not become an issue in the work environment.

9. Take immediate action: Zero tolerance of anger and violence
Tolerating anger displays or violence is dangerous. It can send the wrong message and opening your organization up to harassment law suits. Leaders must be strong with this Zero Tolerance.

10. Offer ways to speak out safely about issues to prevent anger and violence (be open to creative solutions)
Create venues that allow people to be heard. Respect diversity of opinion. Create a safe way to express appropriate levels of stress and frustration. Always look to build a better environment and culture.
To implement these principles can require resolve and leadership. Many organizations require coaching and consulting to make these deep changes to their culture. The pay-off can be found in increased productivity, loyalty, and more creativity to problem solving.

L. John Mason, Ph.D. is the author of the best selling “Guide to Stress Reduction.” Since 1977, he has offered Success & Executive Coaching and Training.

Please visit the Stress Education Center’s website at Stress, Stress Management, Coaching, and Training for articles, free newsletter signup, and learn about the new telecourses that are available. If you would like information or a targeted proposal for training or coaching, please contact us at (360) 593-3833.

If you are looking to promote your training or coaching career, please investigate the Professional Stress Management Training and Certification Program for a secondary source of income or as career path.

Autogenic Training: Try It, You May Like the Results

Posted on by

Have you heard about Autogenic Training as a stress management or anxiety control technique? If you haven’t, you should look into it. Since I learned this stress management technique in 1977, I have been using it, with great results, for my relaxation practice.

Autogenic Training was first developed in 1928 in Germany. There has been a lot of research regarding the success of using Autogenic Training Phrases with stress/anxiety related disorders like: panic/anxiety, high blood pressure, migraine headaches, GI disorders, chronic pain, and many other health challenges that are created or made worse by stress. Most of the research and reports are written in French or German so for English speakers this technique may be less familiar. I learned about Autogenics while in training for my career in biofeedback in 1977 and have been using this technique as my personal stress management strategy ever since. It took 6-8 weeks of regular (daily) use for me to get the higher levels of benefit. The skills of relaxation and awareness require at least this amount of practice no matter which stress management technique you try…. so be patient.

Autogenic Training requires that you repeat 6 basic phrases until you feel the desired results. With practice this can be abbreviated into a much shorter period of time. Now, it takes me only about 5 minutes of repeating the phrases to get to the level of relaxation that I desire. This leaves me 10-15 minutes to enjoy the state of deep relaxation in my 15-20 minute relaxation/meditation period. The positive effects of this relaxation generally last for the whole day, at this stage of my life. The 6 basic phrases include:

Begin with a mood phrase to ‘get you in the mood to relax’ by slowly repeating… “I am at peace with myself and fully relaxed.” (Eventually, this phrase will trigger a lot of the relaxation.

1. “My right arm is heavy” (repeated at least 3 times or longer until you can feel your muscles start to relax.) Then change to, “My left arm is heavy” (repeated 3 or more times.) Then relax your legs as you repeat, “My right leg is heavy” repeat 3 or more times. Then switch to, “My left leg is heavy” repeated. Finally, repeat “My neck and shoulders are heavy.” The arms will usually be easier to relax than your legs. The neck and shoulders are generally more difficult for most people and may take as long as 6-12 weeks of practice before you get them to relax.

2. Repeat, “My right arm is warm” (repeated at least 3 or more times to allow the warmth of blood to flow more freely down your arm into your hand and fingers.) Change to, “My left arm is warm” and repeat until you feel warmth or a pulse or a tingling feeling in your hands. Then say, “My right leg is warm” and repeat. Then, “My left leg is warm” repeat. Finally, repeat, “My neck and shoulders are warm” repeat, though this may require many practice sessions.

3. The next phrase to repeat is “My heart beat is calm and regular” repeated to slow your heart rate.

4. Next phrase is “My breathing is calm and regular” repeated slowly.

5. Then say, “My stomach region is warm and calm” and repeat to relax your abdomen.

6. Last phrase to relax the muscles of your head and face is “My forehead is cool and calm” repeated until your forehead and jaw can start to relax.

The return phrase to repeat at the end is, “I am refreshed and alert” repeated and with taking a deep breath.
I will usually say the 6 relaxation phrases and then sit quietly to enjoy the relaxation before I awaken with the “return” phrase. Also, combining these phrases with temperature training biofeedback makes for powerful step before beginning an anxiety control visualization or a desensitization process.

Give it a try. I have seen this technique work very well with many people who could benefit from stress and anxiety management.

More information available on the “articles” page of the Stress Education Center’s website at www.dstress.com.

Caffeine Cause Anxiety Attacks

Posted on by

Since the dawning of the “Information Age” in the early 1980’s the pace of change has accelerated in our society. To keep pace with the explosion of new information and this rapid rate of change, many people have adopted a new coping strategy of increasing their consumption of caffeine. Caffeine is a drug. It is a stimulant which increases many of same physiological responses as the survival response known as the “Flight-Fight” response. It is this reaction by the body to the stimulation from caffeine that can trigger an anxiety-type physical reaction. Many people are unsuspecting and naïve regarding the full extent of this response to which often includes a common, and even, celebrated “rush” of energy. Knowing about this response can keep you from being a victim to caffeine related anxiety attacks.

As a stimulant, the effect of caffeine can be different from one person to the next. The amount of caffeine consumed, and then the amount actually absorbed by the body, can contribute to the range of reactions. It is not uncommon for caffeine to cause an increase in brain wave activity that can arouse a tired mind. This is the most desired response for many sleep deprived people. This can backfire on many people who may have a day long response to their morning coffee (or other caffeine source) because many people can not sleep well at bedtime as a response to this early caffeine consumption. This “vicious cycle” will then cause poor quality sleep/rest which requires more caffeine to get “up” for the next day’s activities.

The stimulation caused by caffeine can also increase heart rate and for some people increase their blood pressure as it simulates the release of excitatory hormones like adrenaline (epinephrine.) This rapid heart rate, when severe, can scare people, triggering the hormonal release which can cause a greater anxiety reaction. The frightening response to the physical associations of an anxiety attack can cause fear and can even drive people to the emergency rooms with the concern that the patient believes that they going to die from a heart attack. We have enough anxiety in our society without pushing ourselves over the edge with the stimulation of caffeine.

Caffeine can cause an increase in skeletal muscle tension as it triggers the classic flight response. This muscle tension can be distracting (loss of focus), cause fatigue, and in many cases increase the likelihood of increased muscle spasms and so, muscle contraction pain. In this way, caffeine can contribute to muscle tension headaches from the tightness of muscles in the jaw, neck, and shoulders. For people suffering from chronic muscular tension pain, this can contribute to their tension and pain. It will often cause an increased anxiety driven response to their pain which can intensify their chronic pain complaints. This is especially true for lower back pain and neck/shoulder pain, as well as the peripheral pains in the arms and legs that can be associated with back pain.

For those of you who use caffeine regularly, you should also know that there are plenty of cases of physical and psychological addiction to this drug. Many people feel withdrawal symptoms that are not comfortable when they try to discontinue their caffeine habit. If you want to discontinue, the best way to do this would be gradually over time. Substituting ½ de-caf into your morning coffee and minimizing other caffeine laden products will be helpful. Be patient and drink extra water!

In its defense, caffeine can be helpful for some types of headaches such as migraine headaches which can be reduced by caffeine or associated cafergot. (Cafergot is a brand name of the combination of ergotamine and caffeine.) With its stimulating effects on the digestive system, caffeine may also work as a laxative to minimize problems with constipation. Historically, European coffee “salons” were places where intellectuals could meet and have lively discussions while drinking brewed coffee which was more healthful than the untreated available water which was often contaminated with deadly diseases of the Middle Ages. The other alternative beverage for most Middle Age Europeans was to drink beer or alcoholic drinks which did not encourage good discussion, thinking, or productivity.

Since the 1980’s, our society has seen an explosion of coffee houses and Espresso stands. You can not get through any American city without being confronted by easily accessible purveyors of liquid coffee refreshments. Both young and old are caught in this “glamorous” habit with expanding zeal. A gift of choice is the insidious gift certificate for the expensive coffee houses. This has gotten to be big business.

Besides coffee or espresso drinks, caffeine is found in many products. Black teas, green tea, soft drinks, chocolate candy, and as an additive in many other products are but a few of these additional sources for caffeine. There are even a few products with commercial names like: Jolt, Red Bull, and RockStar that cater to the young caffeine crazed generation that seem to require higher concentrations of caffeine. I do not want to deprive people from indulging in these products, but people must be aware of what the effects of these products can do to their body’s and to people who interact with caffeine saturated folks. Many cases of “road rage” may be traced to the negative effects of over-caffeinated, stressed drivers.

Let’s have some common sense. Moderation is a great rule to follow, especially if you are one the people who are most sensitive to the effects of caffeine. Coffee businesses are not bad or the enemy, we just need to learn how use their products in the most appropriate ways.

If you are looking for wellness coaching, please investigate the Professional Stress Management Coaching Program (train the trainer) at http://www.dstress.com

L. John Mason, Ph.D. is the country’s leading stress management expert and the author of the best selling “Guide to Stress Reduction.” Since 1977, he has offered Success & Executive Coaching and Training.

Please visit the Stress Education Center’s website at Stress, Stress Management, Coaching, and Training (at http://www.dstress.com) for articles, free ezine (newsletter) signup, and learn about the new telecourses that are available. If you would like information or a targeted proposal for training or coaching, please contact us at (360) 593-3833.

Dealing with Angry or Anxious Clients

Posted on by

Every situation is unique because the people involved are different. With that said, this blog can offer a basic introduction on strategies that may assist you when you are confronted by anxious or angry clients or customers (consumers.) The event that brought these people into confrontation with you is important to understand and needs to be worked into your solution.

For example, image that you are being confronted by an “upset” consumer who wants to acquire iodine pills to prevent thyroid cancer after a nuclear release in Japan has blown over to your region. The national government has limited the supply of these pills because the government wants the pills to go to the regions where it will be needed most, due to limitations on the supply. The media has whipped up the levels of anxiety and many people are not thinking clearly, impulsively wanting the medication that may not be needed for their specific demographic. You have access to the medication but are not allowed to release it unless your customer meets certain criteria which has been established by some far away governmental agency. What do you do in this situation where you have very little control but are on the front line for taking the “heat” for this media whipped frenzy???

It is good to start by understanding why people react the way that they do in a crisis situation. People often perceive themselves in mortal danger. Their flight-fight response is triggered by the fear created by half truths the media passes off as news. When this panicked response begins, the rational parts of our brains often “shut down” or at least, takes a reduced decision making position subservient to the more primitive part of the brain where the automatic survival mechanisms are centered. This primitive part of the brain, also called the “reptilian brain” because it is related to primitive reptilian responses from millions of years ago is more dominant in certain stressful situations when we require quick reactions to survive. The basic emotions that are expressed when we are stressed are ANGER, FEAR (anxious), Sadness, and, perhaps surprisingly, Joy! These are the 4 basic emotions and these emotions have primitive origins. So, people who are stressed often reduce their abilities to think, problem solve, and communicate, and go into a reactive mood where fear or anger are close to the surface and are demonstrated. Knowing this, you must begin to identify who is angry or fearful and why. Why are they not understanding the full picture? Probably because they do not have all the information and they can not problem solve well due to the stress/anxiety they are processing.

If you have time, the following list offers some of the best ways to handle this situation in order of how you might proceed:

1. Ask questions regarding their base of knowledge and, more importantly, their feelings (fears, anger, anxiety). What is their history of this situation? Often they are trying to protect a loved one and they feel powerless to control a difficult situation. Consider their source of news or mis-information but do not confront them about this in the early stages.

2. Calm them down. Re-state their concerns by repeating back what you have heard and ask them to correct any of YOUR mis-understandings about their specific situation. Know what you are dealing with AND show the respect of listening to their fears/concerns. Offer them ways to comfort themselves in this difficult situation.

3. Get them information about their concern so they can make an informed decision. When they ask questions, give them more information, as patiently as possible. Do not expect a “rational response.” Keep your emotions (frustration) in check, as best you can, to help defuse the panicked response. (I was reminded that in difficult situations people will “go shopping” for the “answer that they want to hear,” so consistent answers or policy descriptions will save you a lot of grief… This requires training for the people who have jobs communicating with the public.)

4. Negotiate a solution that helps to solve their emotional response. Provide time lines, as best you can. Be as honest as you can be, based on the information you have.

5. Honesty and compassion, when sincere, are 2 of your best tools. Brutal honesty, though, is not called for in a stressful situation. Good bedside manner will often get you farther, faster. Reflecting their concerns back to them in a different way will help them to feel heard and may save you time in the long run by helping to establish a positive rapport (or connection.)

6. Always, apologize to them for the situation even if you are not the cause of the problem, and if you are the cause, apologize most sincerely. People would like to feel that their response was correct, even when it is not.

7. If you have not done so already, take GOOD care of yourself. Calm down! Do not get “sucked in” to crazy emotionally driven behavior by your own lack of a solid emotional foundation.

8. If all else fails, say sincerely to yourself, “This to shall pass…” TRY to not get stuck in the “drama” (anxious feelings and reactions) because this will not do you, or anyone else, any good. When the dilemma has subsided, and you feel “out of the line of fire,” do what emergency responders do… make a bad or twisted joke about the difficult situation. This will help to take away its emotional power and can begin the process of your crisis de-briefing.

Good luck. Please take good care of yourself, preventively. Contact the Stress Education Center for coaching or organizational training to assist with managing this process at www.dstress.com.

Anger in the Workplace Part I

Posted on by

Costs of Anger and Identifying Anger at Work

Anger is one of the 4 basic emotions. These primitive responses manifest in men and women as a response to stressful stimuli. Any or all of these, 4 basic emotions can be observed as a response to stress, though each individual develops some dominant habits as response to life’s stimuli. The four emotional responses are Fear, Anger, Sadness (depression), or Joy. These four possible responses are generated from primitive parts of the brain that respond to the Flight/Fight survival response. Some people respond to change or other stress by becoming fearful and apprehensive about lack of control or the unknown. Other people withdraw into sadness or depression as a response to stress. There are some people who manifest their nervousness by laughing or giggling or possibly making inappropriate jokes as a response to a difficult or dangerous situation. This article focuses on anger.

Both men and women get angry. However, men are more likely to “act out” in an overt way in response to stress. In statistics supplied by the Justice Department regarding anger and violence in the workplace, 85% of violence in the workplace was perpetrated by men. Statistics also reflect that 1 of 4 employees are angry at work. Much quoted statistics from the Safe Workplace Institute states that in 1993 work place violence cost $4.2 Billion and that 111,000 incidents were reported. Anger can manifest in other forms that do appear to be acts of violence. Anger can manifest as absenteeism, turnover, low morale, poor communication, reduced productivity, poor customer service, sabotage, theft, aggressiveness, sexual harassment, and intimidation (“bullying”). This can be dangerous and expensive! Accidents, injuries, and legal problems can be tied to anger in the workplace.

WARNING SIGNS
Workplace anger is often buried by employees until they reach a point where they suddenly burst. This “bursting” point may manifest itself in a variety of ways. One employee may just yell at his manager, while another may impetuously decide to quit. Still others may resort to workplace violence or vandalism. Small business owners and managers should acquaint themselves with the warning signs of hidden anger so that they can address the causes for that anger and, hopefully, head off an incident before it occurs. Employees may exhibit behavior that is more obviously troubling.

Following are a range of behaviors that may signal a need for intervention:
• Overreaction to company policies or performance appraisals
• Prone to making direct or veiled threats
• Sarcastic, irritable, or moody behavior
• Apathetic and/or inconsistent work performance
• Aggressive and antisocial behavior
• Touchy relationships with other workers
• Obsessive involvement and/or emotional attachment to job

Counterproductive and expensive behaviors at work can be observed, and, should be dealt with as soon as possible. These may include:
1. Coming to work late without permission
2. Taking longer breaks
3. Complaining about insignificant things
4. Ignoring someone at work
5. Daydreaming rather than working
6. Trying to look busy
7. Being rude or nasty to client or co-worker
8. Leaving work early
9. Insulting fellow employees about job performance
10. Refusing to help out at work
11. Blaming colleagues for errors that they made
12. Verbally abusing a co-worker
13. Making fun of people at work
14. Avoiding returning telephone calls that are important
15. Telling people outside of work what a lousy place they work at
16. Failing to report a problem and allowing it to get worse
17. Withholding needed information
18. Intentionally coming late to meetings or appointments
19. Working slowly when things need to be done faster
20. Staying home and claiming to be sick
21. Purposely failing to follow instructions
22. Refusing work
23. Damaging equipment
24. Stealing
25. Using obscene gesture
26. Hitting or pushing someone at work
27. Threatening someone
28. Intentionally doing work wrong
29. Wasting materials or supplies
30. Starting malicious rumors

Factors that cause workplace anger can sometimes be addressed directly. While workplace anger sometimes can be traced back to prejudices that are at the root of deep-seated hostility, on many other occasions, work-oriented factors serve as the primary catalysts.

Common causes of workplace anger include:
• Favoritism of one employee over another.
• General harassment, whether sexual or some other form
• Rejection (whether arbitrary or for good reason) of a proposal or project in which employee has big emotional investment.
• Insensitivity by owners or managers.
• Criticisms of employees in front of staff or clients.
• Depersonalized workplace environment.
• Unfair (or tardy) performance appraisals or criticism.
• Lack of resources for the employee to meet his/her objectives.
• Inadequate training.
• Lack of teamwork.
• Withdrawal of earned benefits.
• Betrayal of trust extended to manager or owner.
• Unreasonable demands on employees.
• Does not keep promises.
• Lack of flexibility on part of owner or manager.
• Poor communication.
• Feedback is wholly or primarily negative in tone.
• Absentee leadership (such as instances wherein needed disciplinary action is absent).
• Micromanagerial environment in which staff decision making opportunities are limited.

Do not allow your organization to become a victim of workplace violence. The following article (part II) will help to create positive solutions to prevent or mitigate workplace anger and violence. Each organization is unique and this can create a situation where outside coaching for executives and managers can be the most successful way to solve challenges. Training for your employees can be tailored to be most effective for your unique situations.

L. John Mason, Ph.D. is the author of the best selling “Guide to Stress Reduction.” Since 1977, he has offered Success & Executive Coaching and Training.

Please visit the Stress Education Center’s website at Stress, Stress Management, Coaching, and Training for articles, free ezine (newsletter) signup, and learn about the new telecourses that are available. If you would like information or a targeted proposal for training or coaching, please contact us at (360) 593-3833.

“A Dash of Cinnamon for Peace”

Posted on by

Excerpt from “Pink Hair & Chocolate Cookies” by Laura Lavigne (of the Center for Happiness, Anacortes, WA)

Many years ago, through the course of one of life’s strange turns of events, I met a woman who worked for an adoption agency. During while of our conversations, she unknowingly gifted me with some powerful insight regarding the importance of our attitude.

One of the cases she was managing involved the open adoption of twin baby girls. The girls were placed in two separate homes; part of the open adoption agreement stated that the agency was to provide the birth mom with regular reports about the girls.

When the girls were three years old, both sets of adoptive parents were contacted and presented with a series of questions. One of the questions concerned their appetite.

When asked about her daughter’s eating habits, the first mom expressed her distress: meals, she said, were always a struggle and created much family tension. The little girl would not eat anything, no matter how she prepared it – unless it had cinnamon in it. This made life very difficult and she could not seem to break her child out of the strange habit.

Presented with the same question, the second mom stated that her little girl was a joy to feed: mealtimes were usually pleasant as all the mom had to do was sprinkle a little bit of cinnamon on her daughter’s food in order for her to eat pretty much anything. In fact, she was now keeping a shaker of cinnamon on the table, next to the salt and pepper.
Wow.

The “bigness” of this struck me like a bolt of lightening. Within an instant, I felt as though I had possibly been handed the secret to a happy life. Or to a miserable one.

Stress, I knew, comes mostly from “resisting what is.” Ease, then, possibly comes from creatively celebrating the same. Not always an easy task, not even always a feasible task, but what if it were something we could achieve, let’s say… some of the time?

What if we were to say “to heck with the neighbors and to heck with all the voices in my head” and simply aimed for peace?

What if we weren’t scared? Scared of losing control, scared of looking soft, or like fools, scared that “this” could lead to chaos and anarchy?

What if we were more interested in being happy than in being right?

What if peaceful meals and happy interactions were worth a shaker of cinnamon on the dining room table?
I know that we don’t always choose what comes our way but we almost always choose our reaction to it, and that can mean freedom.

I invite you to take a look, today, at the places in your life where you may be choosing stress; where you may be choosing to be right. And where you may be able to choose to be happy instead.
And who knows? Maybe cinnamon tastes great on mashed potatoes.

“Excerpt from Pink Hair & Chocolate Cookies, by Laura Lavigne. lauralavigne.com” $14.95 – Signed copies
For a personalized inscription, email me.

Anacortes Center for Happiness

Copyright © 2014 Laura Lavigne Life Coaching. All Rights Reserved.

Anger and Death

Posted on by

At some point, most people who live past adolescence realize that they are not going to get out this life, alive. Death is a natural, and unavoidable, outcome of living. (As of 2014, this is a fact of life…) Some cultures and societies work at pretending that death is NOT inevitable and this denial is built into the structure of the culture. Americans seem to frown on death like it is weakness in life to give in to death. In this culture, youth is celebrated and old people should only participate in celebrations of holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. There would be more television programs about older people if the culture were not in such denial. Now, I am not saying that we should have another “reality TV” show about older people’s last days amongst the living but it has been a long time since programs like the “Golden Girls.”

But the point of this blog article is not about denial of death and dying. It is about the emotions people feel regarding the loss of family member or friend to the process of dying. In the past, people lived with or near their families and families cared for each other with process of “passing away” done at home surrounded by family. Families would embrace the transition and it was a “natural” process. It is often very different in present day families.

Image that you were a child of divorced, or unmarried parents. You have been estranged from your biological parent due to divorce, or substance abuse, or prison, or large geographical distances and you learn that your non-custodial biological parent is dying. You may already harbor anger and resentment toward this parent for not “being there” for you and now you cannot even “get even” emotionally for the neglect (real or imagined) because the object of you anger is now leaving you due to a terminal disease process. How do you deal with your anger and your ambivalence toward this parent? From professional experience, I know that people often turn this anger inward. Depression often manifests. Anxiety can surface. Adjustment disorders may become inflamed. It is natural to be depressed or anxious. Though this is a natural response it remains often elusive as to how to deal with these strong emotions in “positive” ways.

Some cultures and religions suggest that you experience the loss of a significant person to better learn “your” lessons of this life. The perspective of surviving this loss can make you stronger. Everyone deals with loss differently. Some people want to escape their pain and avoid this strong emotion by getting involved with substance abuse. Some people use other behaviors to avoid their pain like playing too many video games, engaging in unsafe sexual experiences, or possibly other dangerous, but distracting, behaviors. A healthier way of responding to this difficult experience might be to get professional support or support from “healthy” family or friends. This might involve discussing the anger or the sadness in appropriate ways. It might involve discussing the loss and the void left when the person passes. It might include discussing the unfinished business. It might include discussing life beyond and how to consider filling “the void.”

Children or poorly articulate adults have serious challenges communicating their pain, anger, frustration, upset, and loss. They require assistance in a safe, “non-judgemental” relationship. They need to be told that their feelings are not un-natural or bad. They need to be counseled on how to express this emotion in safe and appropriate ways. They often need to be supported with positive alternatives forms of expression and positive choices to move forward in their lives. Often they have been “cheated” from the experience of telling their estranged parent or significant person the anger or pain they feel about their disappointing relationship. Alternative forms of communicating their feelings should be explored such as painting, drawing, writing, photography, or forms of sculpture.

It is hard to deal with the loss of a loved one (or significant other.) It is difficult to communicate your pain and ambivalence. Some people, especially children, need more assistance and support, from healthy, non-judgemental adults. I am sorry for your trauma and your loss. I can feel your pain. I have experienced this pain, myself, and it is not easy. Please take good care of yourself.

Tips for Getting Better Sleep

Posted on by

Since 1978, I have been coaching my clients on improving their sleep. I am L. John Mason, Ph.D. and founder to the Stress Education Center. In this blog, I would to offer the best tips for getting the sleep you require and deserve.

Add any or all of these tips to your life until you find the ones that work for you.
1. Create your own bedtime ritual for preparing for sleep. Use a regular bedtime and allow as much time for sleep as you require (and we are all a bit different in this requirement.) Some clients will take a warm bath or shower to relax before heading for bed. Other people may read calming books or articles that do not stimulate too much thinking. TV news is NOT ideal before sleep for most people.
2. Avoid stimulants like caffeine. Many people find that even one cup of coffee in the morning can affect their sleep at night. Be aware of how much caffeine you use and when you consume it.
3. Limit your bed activities to sleep and sex, so you do not get into the habit of being awake in bed. (Even though TV, reading, work, and telephone calls are possible activities, these may not help your bedtime sleeping.)
4. Avoid eating big meals or drinking alcohol late in your day for these can reduce your ability to get quality sleep.
5. Create a calm, safe, dark, warm (enough,) quiet space to sleep. Avoid unnecessary stimulation.
6. If your mind is racing and filled with clutter, consider making a list or using a journal so you do need to keep all this information in your head.
7. Eat a healthy diet. (Remember to not eat too late and avoid caffeine and stimulants.)
8. Get regular exercise but not too close to bedtime.
9. Avoid using sleeping pills regularly.
10.Avoid naps, if you are having difficulty sleeping at bedtime. (Though meditations have be helpful and can take the place of some need for sleep.)
11.Consider using relaxation techniques especially ones that will aid in muscular relaxation and in slow down your mind. More in the next blog but using simple breathing techniques can be great at bedtime.
Two other online articles and resources can be found at:
7 tips for sleep from the Mayo clinic http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sleep/HQ01387 7 is stress reduction
12 tips for sleep from Harvard medical center http://healthysleep.med.harvard.edu/healthy/getting/overcoming/tips no stress
Please take good care of yourself and get enough good quality sleep.