Category Archives: Stress Management

End of Summer, Back to Work

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For those of us living in the Northern Hemisphere, September signals the end of Summer and the transformation into the Fall season. Days are getting shorter. The temperatures will begin to drop. The rainy season (if you have one) may be starting to approach. In the U.S., children return to school and vacation time ends. Many people begin to gear up for the work push that starts now and continues until the mid-winter holidays.

At work, we have discussed the late Summer vacation trips and now prepare for the Fall Firestorm of Frantic Fanatics. In mental health, this means that people who have ignored their symptoms because of Summer time distractions will now charge the office and demand assistance in dealing with their depressions and anxieties. The world governments are gearing us up for the cataclysmic “Swine Flu Pandemic” that is about to hit. (Remember to “WASH Your Hands AND Cough Into Your Elbow (if you have a cough and a spare elbow.)) (This reminds me of the drop to your knees and cover your eyes if an Atomic Bomb explodes in your neighborhood advice that we were instructed to do in the 1950’s.) So craziness resumes in every sense imaginable.

In the Fall, we need to gather our resources to prepare for the short, darker days of Winter. Many of us will turn our focus to inward or indoor thinking. People will be more pressed together in school, at work, or in social activities. Communication will be tested and so our communication skill-set will benefit from improvement. Thank goodness we will have something relevant to discuss like the Baseball playoffs or the football season or who will win on “The Voice.”

In fact, I believe that it is time to take stock in what you require. What keeps you healthy? Do you need to make time to exercise? Do you need to pay attention to what you eat? Do you require a long term goal and plan for things that are fun, important, or financially beneficial (or all of these)? Do you need “Healthy Relationships” in your life and where do you go find these? And do not forget, make time to celebrate and participate in activities that truly feed your spirit and your soul!

Yes, the coming season of the Fall, can be a time of positive self-reflection. Take the opportunity to assess or to re-assess what you require for health and how to achieve it.

Please take good care of yourself.
Stress Education Center

#1 Waste of Time and Energy

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A Case for Executive Coaching:

There has always been a huge amount of waste in America. Heck, we have made a fine art of wasting our resources, but the catastrophic effect of wasting our time, our money, our energy, and our health on our lack of positive attention to the excessive stress in our lives is mind boggling stupid!

If we could avoid accidents and focus better on present assignments, we could save a huge amount of time and energy. This will save us money and improve our productivity… A very simple concept, but an easily ignored solution to our huge problem of wasted resources.

An executive vice president of a large financial institution was referred to me for Executive Coaching. He was actually sent by his physician because he was challenged by high blood pressure and GI complaints as a habituated response to his daily work stress. Let’s call him Bob. Bob was very successful and in his mid 50’s. He admitted that his real motivation in seeking coaching was that he was suffering from “Burn-out.” We decided to help him to manage his stress related symptoms because these “distractions” were keeping from enjoying his work. I gave him background information regarding the physiology of stress to help explain how and why the stress response manifests in physical or emotional symptoms. I also explained that stress wastes his time, uses up his energy, and creates distractions that can lead to wasteful mistakes. Bob agreed to listen to some guided relaxation CD’s that would teach him to control his habit of holding stress in his circulatory system and GI tract.

We met once a week to check in and to upgrade his stress management strategy. There was a huge struggle in the first few weeks because Bob could not “find time” to listen to the 20 minutes guided relaxations. At our fourth session, I “fired” Bob. I explained that it was a waste of our time and his money to continue this work if he was not going to follow through. (Note: the understanding of the theory of stress and stress management is almost never enough… one actually needs to practice stress management to master it to get the best results.) Bob had never been “Fired” from anything and he pleaded with me to give him one more chance… He figured out a way to use the CD before work. In two weeks he returned with a positive response. It was not that his blood pressure had dropped, because that requires 8-12 weeks of regular practice for most people. Bob said his GI complaints were a little bit better. But, Bob’s biggest revelation was that in 2 weeks of practice he could get his 8 hours of work done in 6.5 hours and this freed time to work on “back burner” projects (that were more interesting to him.) He was getting more done in less time AND having more fun! His “burn out” (due to overwhelm) was slipping away. Bob was sold on this stress management process because he was feeling better and being more productive. He realized how much time and energy he had been wasting!

Bob’s story is far from unique. I have heard this hundreds of times. Americans have a difficult time “sitting still” and resist practicing stress management to prevent problems or to improve their quality of life. If you found the “right” stress management technique, one that will work for you, the practice will free up your time, energy, and improve your focus. Research indicates that 20 minutes of deep relaxation can re-place the need of up to 2 hours of sleep. The sleep that you do get will be deeper and more restful. That is another huge problem for Americans, we do not get enough quality sleep/rest and our health and productivity suffers.

If you could feel better, save time, improve your productivity and focus, and have more energy would you spend 20 minutes of your valuable time practicing stress management? Stress management can even help to slow the aging process and may help you from the eating habits that make you gain weight.

Getting trained or coached in stress management is not expensive. The skills you will learn will last a life time and may prevent, or reduce, the need for costly medications. You might be able to minimize, if not eliminate, stress related symptoms that impair the quality of your life and negatively affect your productivity.
My challenge to you after reading this article, will you get up and do something to manage your stress or will you just stick your head in the sand and re-enter your state of denial??? Effective stress management often includes a combination of regular relaxation (or meditation,) some physical exercise, and a decent diet that avoids caffeine… Also remember that alcohol, medication, or drugs are not good long term solutions for stress management.

Please take good care of yourself.

L. John Mason, Ph.D. is the country’s leading expert on stress management and the author of the best selling “Guide to Stress Reduction.” Since 1977, he has offered Success & Executive Coaching and Training.
Please visit the Stress Education Center’s website at Stress, Stress Management, Coaching, and Training for articles, free newsletter signup, and learn about the new telecourses that are available. If you would like information or a targeted proposal for training or coaching, please contact us at (360) 593-3833.

If you are looking to promote your training or coaching career, please investigate the Professional Stress Management Training and Certification Program for a secondary source of income or as career path.

9 Tips for Management Success

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Skills Necessary to Be an Effective Boss

Would you like to improve on your management skills? Whether you are a business owner, an executive, mid level manager, or beginning supervisor you can develop your skills which will increase the productivity of many of the people who report to you. Though simple in concept, these skills may require practice and dedication to master, unless you are a “natural” manager. (Even “natural” managers can improve their skills, and if you are a “natural,” you already know that you can be even more effective.)

Working with people requires interpersonal skills that can come more easily to some people than others. Especially if you have been promoted because you have great technical skills and experience, you will want to avoid becoming a victim to the “Peter Principle.” The definition of the Peter Principle is as follows…

“The theory that employees within an organization will advance to their highest level of competence and then be promoted to and remain at a level at which they are incompetent.”

[Author Laurence Johnston Peter (1919-1990).]

The level of incompetence suggests that people will rise to a level of management that they are untrained to do with success. Managing other employees with skill and competence is often the level that proves most difficult.
To become a successful manager requires certain awareness and then specific skills at communicating, motivating, time management, effective delegation, training, hiring winners, personnel evaluation (or appraisal), self-awareness, and healthy self-confidence. You can neglect any of these qualities/skills and still get by as an average or poor manager or you can confront the personal challenges and develop into a good boss and successful manager. Good, to great, interpersonal skills will help a lot but not everyone has these skills when are getting started in managing.

To become skillful, you first have to realize that may not be perfect and that you would be willing to make positive changes to some deeply held beliefs or habit patterns. Sometimes we have to “unlearn” habits or techniques that we have used, or seen used by our parents, teachers, ex-bosses, or mentors. As an example, have you ever seen a frustrated parent or manager yelling emotionally in an upsetting moment. There may even have been violence or intimidation expressed and you realize that in the modern world of work, this is not acceptable as a motivating or guiding management concept. These explosions of emotion may work once or twice, in the “short term,” but will not work effectively for long term success. “Explosions” tend to damage relationships and may require too much time and energy to repair, which can be very difficult to do if your employment has been terminated.
There can be frustrations in interpersonal interactions, however, but appropriate managing in these difficult situations is what sets the great managers apart from less prepared, less successful managers.

1. Your personal motivation to be open to change and the desire to become a great manager is essential.

2. Self-awareness regarding your strengths, and more importantly, your challenges (your flaws/weaknesses) is very important. It is best to know, and understand, your own style of communication, your own motivations, and the difference in the styles and motivations of the members of your team so that you can communicate with, and then motivate, all team members most effectively.

3. Your abilities to communicate can be developed and enhanced to allow you to manage more effectively. Especially important is the ability to listen and the patience to really understand what you are hearing from your communication partner. (Do not rush to respond. Show respect and draw your partner out until you can clearly re-state what they are attempting to communicate.)

4. Negotiate a fair resolution, where possible. Rally your communication partners allegiance to your mutually agreed upon solution. Set a reasonable and verifiable timeline for accomplishment of the goal or project. “Clearly prioritize” the efforts of the project, the team, and each individual’s role in the project.

5. Offer support (and mentoring) along the way, without micro-managing along the way. Positive feedback and, most importantly, plenty of positive recognition (and celebration) for positive movement and ultimately for success will be worth your time and effort.

6. Show respect and try to see your partner’s point of view without overtly judging. Good delegation tolerates solutions that may follow a different path than you might have chosen. Though taking responsibility for their decisions and actions can be a very important step by your employee and should be discussed in the planning (job description) phase of the delegation process. (It is best, where possible, to allow for creativity by your team members.) Find ways to get your people to “fall in love” with your project, and hopefully, your company by allowing creative input into the project development process.

7. Clarity is important and should include the “big picture” of what is desired for long term success of your organization and how all of your individual team members will fill the necessary roles to accomplish the objectives of the project at hand. (Everyone needs to know their roles and their value to the project.)

8. Honor and acknowledge as many individuals, and of course the team, as often and as much as possible. This is especially true when deadlines are tight, team work is good, and creative solutions are developed. Rewards and acknowledgment do not always have to be in financial rewards (though team members who are high “Utilitarians” will require appropriate remunerations or other forms of compensation for their successful work.) Not everyone is motivated, solely, by money. This is where knowing your people will work as a successful retention strategy. Be creative in providing recognition and rewards.

9. You need to really care! Care about your team. Care about the project. Care about the company/organization, if at all possible. Your team will know if you do not “really care” and they will treat the project in the same way they see (or feel) their manager’s level of commitment.

If you find that you require clarification on any of these tips or could benefit from coaching to enhance your skills then find the best coach, trainer, or mentor to get you to the level you require. Do not think that you have to “re-invent the wheel” or figure it all out on your own, get feedback and assistance. Recognizing where you require assistance is the most important step you can make toward your eventual success. People who do not know how to ask for help are often the ones who do not reach their full potential. If your organization does not support you in your quest for improvement then consider doing this for yourself and possibly exploring other more supportive and empowering organizations.

Many managers have great technical: training, experience or skills, but have not been coached or mentored as managers. If you are looking for coaching or management development, please consider the Professional Management Coaching Program for manager skills training.

L. John Mason, Ph.D. is the author of the best selling “Guide to Stress Reduction.” Since 1977, he has offered Success & Executive Coaching and Training.

Please visit the Stress Education Center’s website at www.dstress.com for articles on Stress, Stress Management, Coaching, and Training, free newsletter signup, and learn about the new telecourses that are available. If you would like information or a targeted proposal for training or coaching, please contact us at (360) 593-3833.

If you are looking to promote your training or coaching career, please investigate the Professional Stress Management Training and Certification Program at www.dstress.com for a secondary source of income or as career path.

Caffeine Cause Anxiety Attacks

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Since the dawning of the “Information Age” in the early 1980’s the pace of change has accelerated in our society. To keep pace with the explosion of new information and this rapid rate of change, many people have adopted a new coping strategy of increasing their consumption of caffeine. Caffeine is a drug. It is a stimulant which increases many of same physiological responses as the survival response known as the “Flight-Fight” response. It is this reaction by the body to the stimulation from caffeine that can trigger an anxiety-type physical reaction. Many people are unsuspecting and naïve regarding the full extent of this response to which often includes a common, and even, celebrated “rush” of energy. Knowing about this response can keep you from being a victim to caffeine related anxiety attacks.

As a stimulant, the effect of caffeine can be different from one person to the next. The amount of caffeine consumed, and then the amount actually absorbed by the body, can contribute to the range of reactions. It is not uncommon for caffeine to cause an increase in brain wave activity that can arouse a tired mind. This is the most desired response for many sleep deprived people. This can backfire on many people who may have a day long response to their morning coffee (or other caffeine source) because many people can not sleep well at bedtime as a response to this early caffeine consumption. This “vicious cycle” will then cause poor quality sleep/rest which requires more caffeine to get “up” for the next day’s activities.

The stimulation caused by caffeine can also increase heart rate and for some people increase their blood pressure as it simulates the release of excitatory hormones like adrenaline (epinephrine.) This rapid heart rate, when severe, can scare people, triggering the hormonal release which can cause a greater anxiety reaction. The frightening response to the physical associations of an anxiety attack can cause fear and can even drive people to the emergency rooms with the concern that the patient believes that they going to die from a heart attack. We have enough anxiety in our society without pushing ourselves over the edge with the stimulation of caffeine.

Caffeine can cause an increase in skeletal muscle tension as it triggers the classic flight response. This muscle tension can be distracting (loss of focus), cause fatigue, and in many cases increase the likelihood of increased muscle spasms and so, muscle contraction pain. In this way, caffeine can contribute to muscle tension headaches from the tightness of muscles in the jaw, neck, and shoulders. For people suffering from chronic muscular tension pain, this can contribute to their tension and pain. It will often cause an increased anxiety driven response to their pain which can intensify their chronic pain complaints. This is especially true for lower back pain and neck/shoulder pain, as well as the peripheral pains in the arms and legs that can be associated with back pain.

For those of you who use caffeine regularly, you should also know that there are plenty of cases of physical and psychological addiction to this drug. Many people feel withdrawal symptoms that are not comfortable when they try to discontinue their caffeine habit. If you want to discontinue, the best way to do this would be gradually over time. Substituting ½ de-caf into your morning coffee and minimizing other caffeine laden products will be helpful. Be patient and drink extra water!

In its defense, caffeine can be helpful for some types of headaches such as migraine headaches which can be reduced by caffeine or associated cafergot. (Cafergot is a brand name of the combination of ergotamine and caffeine.) With its stimulating effects on the digestive system, caffeine may also work as a laxative to minimize problems with constipation. Historically, European coffee “salons” were places where intellectuals could meet and have lively discussions while drinking brewed coffee which was more healthful than the untreated available water which was often contaminated with deadly diseases of the Middle Ages. The other alternative beverage for most Middle Age Europeans was to drink beer or alcoholic drinks which did not encourage good discussion, thinking, or productivity.

Since the 1980’s, our society has seen an explosion of coffee houses and Espresso stands. You can not get through any American city without being confronted by easily accessible purveyors of liquid coffee refreshments. Both young and old are caught in this “glamorous” habit with expanding zeal. A gift of choice is the insidious gift certificate for the expensive coffee houses. This has gotten to be big business.

Besides coffee or espresso drinks, caffeine is found in many products. Black teas, green tea, soft drinks, chocolate candy, and as an additive in many other products are but a few of these additional sources for caffeine. There are even a few products with commercial names like: Jolt, Red Bull, and RockStar that cater to the young caffeine crazed generation that seem to require higher concentrations of caffeine. I do not want to deprive people from indulging in these products, but people must be aware of what the effects of these products can do to their body’s and to people who interact with caffeine saturated folks. Many cases of “road rage” may be traced to the negative effects of over-caffeinated, stressed drivers.

Let’s have some common sense. Moderation is a great rule to follow, especially if you are one the people who are most sensitive to the effects of caffeine. Coffee businesses are not bad or the enemy, we just need to learn how use their products in the most appropriate ways.

If you are looking for wellness coaching, please investigate the Professional Stress Management Coaching Program (train the trainer) at http://www.dstress.com

L. John Mason, Ph.D. is the country’s leading stress management expert and the author of the best selling “Guide to Stress Reduction.” Since 1977, he has offered Success & Executive Coaching and Training.

Please visit the Stress Education Center’s website at Stress, Stress Management, Coaching, and Training (at http://www.dstress.com) for articles, free ezine (newsletter) signup, and learn about the new telecourses that are available. If you would like information or a targeted proposal for training or coaching, please contact us at (360) 593-3833.

Dealing with Angry or Anxious Clients

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Every situation is unique because the people involved are different. With that said, this blog can offer a basic introduction on strategies that may assist you when you are confronted by anxious or angry clients or customers (consumers.) The event that brought these people into confrontation with you is important to understand and needs to be worked into your solution.

For example, image that you are being confronted by an “upset” consumer who wants to acquire iodine pills to prevent thyroid cancer after a nuclear release in Japan has blown over to your region. The national government has limited the supply of these pills because the government wants the pills to go to the regions where it will be needed most, due to limitations on the supply. The media has whipped up the levels of anxiety and many people are not thinking clearly, impulsively wanting the medication that may not be needed for their specific demographic. You have access to the medication but are not allowed to release it unless your customer meets certain criteria which has been established by some far away governmental agency. What do you do in this situation where you have very little control but are on the front line for taking the “heat” for this media whipped frenzy???

It is good to start by understanding why people react the way that they do in a crisis situation. People often perceive themselves in mortal danger. Their flight-fight response is triggered by the fear created by half truths the media passes off as news. When this panicked response begins, the rational parts of our brains often “shut down” or at least, takes a reduced decision making position subservient to the more primitive part of the brain where the automatic survival mechanisms are centered. This primitive part of the brain, also called the “reptilian brain” because it is related to primitive reptilian responses from millions of years ago is more dominant in certain stressful situations when we require quick reactions to survive. The basic emotions that are expressed when we are stressed are ANGER, FEAR (anxious), Sadness, and, perhaps surprisingly, Joy! These are the 4 basic emotions and these emotions have primitive origins. So, people who are stressed often reduce their abilities to think, problem solve, and communicate, and go into a reactive mood where fear or anger are close to the surface and are demonstrated. Knowing this, you must begin to identify who is angry or fearful and why. Why are they not understanding the full picture? Probably because they do not have all the information and they can not problem solve well due to the stress/anxiety they are processing.

If you have time, the following list offers some of the best ways to handle this situation in order of how you might proceed:

1. Ask questions regarding their base of knowledge and, more importantly, their feelings (fears, anger, anxiety). What is their history of this situation? Often they are trying to protect a loved one and they feel powerless to control a difficult situation. Consider their source of news or mis-information but do not confront them about this in the early stages.

2. Calm them down. Re-state their concerns by repeating back what you have heard and ask them to correct any of YOUR mis-understandings about their specific situation. Know what you are dealing with AND show the respect of listening to their fears/concerns. Offer them ways to comfort themselves in this difficult situation.

3. Get them information about their concern so they can make an informed decision. When they ask questions, give them more information, as patiently as possible. Do not expect a “rational response.” Keep your emotions (frustration) in check, as best you can, to help defuse the panicked response. (I was reminded that in difficult situations people will “go shopping” for the “answer that they want to hear,” so consistent answers or policy descriptions will save you a lot of grief… This requires training for the people who have jobs communicating with the public.)

4. Negotiate a solution that helps to solve their emotional response. Provide time lines, as best you can. Be as honest as you can be, based on the information you have.

5. Honesty and compassion, when sincere, are 2 of your best tools. Brutal honesty, though, is not called for in a stressful situation. Good bedside manner will often get you farther, faster. Reflecting their concerns back to them in a different way will help them to feel heard and may save you time in the long run by helping to establish a positive rapport (or connection.)

6. Always, apologize to them for the situation even if you are not the cause of the problem, and if you are the cause, apologize most sincerely. People would like to feel that their response was correct, even when it is not.

7. If you have not done so already, take GOOD care of yourself. Calm down! Do not get “sucked in” to crazy emotionally driven behavior by your own lack of a solid emotional foundation.

8. If all else fails, say sincerely to yourself, “This to shall pass…” TRY to not get stuck in the “drama” (anxious feelings and reactions) because this will not do you, or anyone else, any good. When the dilemma has subsided, and you feel “out of the line of fire,” do what emergency responders do… make a bad or twisted joke about the difficult situation. This will help to take away its emotional power and can begin the process of your crisis de-briefing.

Good luck. Please take good care of yourself, preventively. Contact the Stress Education Center for coaching or organizational training to assist with managing this process at www.dstress.com.

Anger in the Workplace Part I

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Costs of Anger and Identifying Anger at Work

Anger is one of the 4 basic emotions. These primitive responses manifest in men and women as a response to stressful stimuli. Any or all of these, 4 basic emotions can be observed as a response to stress, though each individual develops some dominant habits as response to life’s stimuli. The four emotional responses are Fear, Anger, Sadness (depression), or Joy. These four possible responses are generated from primitive parts of the brain that respond to the Flight/Fight survival response. Some people respond to change or other stress by becoming fearful and apprehensive about lack of control or the unknown. Other people withdraw into sadness or depression as a response to stress. There are some people who manifest their nervousness by laughing or giggling or possibly making inappropriate jokes as a response to a difficult or dangerous situation. This article focuses on anger.

Both men and women get angry. However, men are more likely to “act out” in an overt way in response to stress. In statistics supplied by the Justice Department regarding anger and violence in the workplace, 85% of violence in the workplace was perpetrated by men. Statistics also reflect that 1 of 4 employees are angry at work. Much quoted statistics from the Safe Workplace Institute states that in 1993 work place violence cost $4.2 Billion and that 111,000 incidents were reported. Anger can manifest in other forms that do appear to be acts of violence. Anger can manifest as absenteeism, turnover, low morale, poor communication, reduced productivity, poor customer service, sabotage, theft, aggressiveness, sexual harassment, and intimidation (“bullying”). This can be dangerous and expensive! Accidents, injuries, and legal problems can be tied to anger in the workplace.

WARNING SIGNS
Workplace anger is often buried by employees until they reach a point where they suddenly burst. This “bursting” point may manifest itself in a variety of ways. One employee may just yell at his manager, while another may impetuously decide to quit. Still others may resort to workplace violence or vandalism. Small business owners and managers should acquaint themselves with the warning signs of hidden anger so that they can address the causes for that anger and, hopefully, head off an incident before it occurs. Employees may exhibit behavior that is more obviously troubling.

Following are a range of behaviors that may signal a need for intervention:
• Overreaction to company policies or performance appraisals
• Prone to making direct or veiled threats
• Sarcastic, irritable, or moody behavior
• Apathetic and/or inconsistent work performance
• Aggressive and antisocial behavior
• Touchy relationships with other workers
• Obsessive involvement and/or emotional attachment to job

Counterproductive and expensive behaviors at work can be observed, and, should be dealt with as soon as possible. These may include:
1. Coming to work late without permission
2. Taking longer breaks
3. Complaining about insignificant things
4. Ignoring someone at work
5. Daydreaming rather than working
6. Trying to look busy
7. Being rude or nasty to client or co-worker
8. Leaving work early
9. Insulting fellow employees about job performance
10. Refusing to help out at work
11. Blaming colleagues for errors that they made
12. Verbally abusing a co-worker
13. Making fun of people at work
14. Avoiding returning telephone calls that are important
15. Telling people outside of work what a lousy place they work at
16. Failing to report a problem and allowing it to get worse
17. Withholding needed information
18. Intentionally coming late to meetings or appointments
19. Working slowly when things need to be done faster
20. Staying home and claiming to be sick
21. Purposely failing to follow instructions
22. Refusing work
23. Damaging equipment
24. Stealing
25. Using obscene gesture
26. Hitting or pushing someone at work
27. Threatening someone
28. Intentionally doing work wrong
29. Wasting materials or supplies
30. Starting malicious rumors

Factors that cause workplace anger can sometimes be addressed directly. While workplace anger sometimes can be traced back to prejudices that are at the root of deep-seated hostility, on many other occasions, work-oriented factors serve as the primary catalysts.

Common causes of workplace anger include:
• Favoritism of one employee over another.
• General harassment, whether sexual or some other form
• Rejection (whether arbitrary or for good reason) of a proposal or project in which employee has big emotional investment.
• Insensitivity by owners or managers.
• Criticisms of employees in front of staff or clients.
• Depersonalized workplace environment.
• Unfair (or tardy) performance appraisals or criticism.
• Lack of resources for the employee to meet his/her objectives.
• Inadequate training.
• Lack of teamwork.
• Withdrawal of earned benefits.
• Betrayal of trust extended to manager or owner.
• Unreasonable demands on employees.
• Does not keep promises.
• Lack of flexibility on part of owner or manager.
• Poor communication.
• Feedback is wholly or primarily negative in tone.
• Absentee leadership (such as instances wherein needed disciplinary action is absent).
• Micromanagerial environment in which staff decision making opportunities are limited.

Do not allow your organization to become a victim of workplace violence. The following article (part II) will help to create positive solutions to prevent or mitigate workplace anger and violence. Each organization is unique and this can create a situation where outside coaching for executives and managers can be the most successful way to solve challenges. Training for your employees can be tailored to be most effective for your unique situations.

L. John Mason, Ph.D. is the author of the best selling “Guide to Stress Reduction.” Since 1977, he has offered Success & Executive Coaching and Training.

Please visit the Stress Education Center’s website at Stress, Stress Management, Coaching, and Training for articles, free ezine (newsletter) signup, and learn about the new telecourses that are available. If you would like information or a targeted proposal for training or coaching, please contact us at (360) 593-3833.

Beauty from the Inside Out

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Why do people strive to be “Beautiful?” Everyone has a different definition of what beauty is but the main goal of beauty, or working to be beautiful, is to be attractive to a targeted group of people. Attractiveness can take many forms and an understanding of the desires of the target group can assist you in becoming the most attractive and beautiful person you can be.

In Western culture, beauty can be based on desirable physical attributes. Since primitive humans emerged from the other early species, attractiveness was based on physical attributes that could help ensure the survival of the family. Being strong, a good worker, or a good hunter/gatherer were desirable characteristics and attractive in helping to find the best “mates.” These positive characteristics could be passed along to the next generation with the greater possibility of family survival. In the recent past, physical attributes like height, strength, speed, body types, and financial stability (wealth) have become features to identify for attractiveness. Fashion trends often help people to accentuate their best attributes. Make-up and hair styling has added to the ways in which people will present themselves to be most attractive, to their targeted group.

People engage in body altering behaviors to create increased levels of attractiveness. Weight-loss programs, fitness programs, body art, and cosmetic surgical procedures have become fashionable in attempts to alter natural appearance and become more desirable. In the primitive, “survival of the fittest” mentality, people chase their dream of being someone they were not born to be and often find it leads to a lack of self-esteem and lowered feeling of self-worth.

Beauty often comes from feelings of self-confidence. Some of the most “attractive” people you encounter will not meet the standards that are created by the media. Many very attractive people are not tall, blond, blue-eyed, physically well endowed, and sun tanned Gods or Goddesses. In fact, the most “movie ready” actors or models are often some of the most unsuccessful in finding real life happiness and life satisfaction. (Look at the tabloids who ridicule celebrities for every transgression that our celebrities are unlucky enough to find themselves within.) We often fantasize being like our celebrity idols until we see their lives fall apart due the strain of their celebrity and them getting hauled into court for their misbehaviors.

A more positive alternative for most people is to find a positive way to become attractive. To do this, we must look inside, find our very best attributes, enhance these, and then find ways to display these attributes in the very best ways possible. Attractiveness may be your intelligence, your compassion, your positive energy, your skill of empathy, your ability to communicate, your softness, or your sense of humor. (Though from personal experience, I found that my sense of humor was often used as a defense mechanism when I was feeling vulnerable.) The happiest and most successful people I know are the people who allow their beauty to come from the inside out. The most emotionally healthy people are, by their nature, some of the most attractive people I actually know. Fantasizing about beautiful people is OK but in the long run not as satisfying as having healthy attractive people in your life.

We often settle for something, or someone, less than healthy as we search for attractive partners. When we are young, physical attraction and seductive fashions seem to be desirable traps that we must negotiate. It might be better to understand your deepest needs and requirements in a partner than to “settle” for the first person who gives you a positive response or the first person who meets your physical gratifications.

Beautiful people have to work to maintain their health and self-esteem. They will make time and put their resources into self-care by exercising, eating correctly, getting sleep, and practicing regular stress management. They will often create balance in their lives by including expressions of their creativity, having time for positive, nurturing relationships, and spending time in honoring their spiritual pursuits.

People who have addictions and need to block their own relationships with their own history or past traumas, are often struggling to find the beauty within. The addictions can include: alcohol, drugs, medications, food, sex, smoking, spending/hoarding, gambling, and adrenaline sports or activities. These addictions block the pain or anxiety but do not allow for the inner beauty and self-confidence to shine.

A secret to finding your beauty often involves breaking free from a cultural picture of success and beauty. Find your own definition of a healthy compatible partner. Find your own inner strengths and beauties and demonstrate these. Master self-awareness and self-care. Self-awareness entails knowing and understanding both your strengths and your flaws so well that you can accept any weaknesses as your lessons and then find new ways to live where you will not be a victim to any of these imperfections. Finding self-love and acceptance, which may require support and assistance, will be a useful process that can lead to your long term success and happiness. Getting trapped in other people’s expectations or their visions of beauty may lead down a path of unhappiness.

Please take good care of yourself. Thank you for your time and consideration.

If you require life coaching to assist you in developing your self-awareness and self-care, consider coaching from the Stress Education Center available at www.dstress.com

“A Dash of Cinnamon for Peace”

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Excerpt from “Pink Hair & Chocolate Cookies” by Laura Lavigne (of the Center for Happiness, Anacortes, WA)

Many years ago, through the course of one of life’s strange turns of events, I met a woman who worked for an adoption agency. During while of our conversations, she unknowingly gifted me with some powerful insight regarding the importance of our attitude.

One of the cases she was managing involved the open adoption of twin baby girls. The girls were placed in two separate homes; part of the open adoption agreement stated that the agency was to provide the birth mom with regular reports about the girls.

When the girls were three years old, both sets of adoptive parents were contacted and presented with a series of questions. One of the questions concerned their appetite.

When asked about her daughter’s eating habits, the first mom expressed her distress: meals, she said, were always a struggle and created much family tension. The little girl would not eat anything, no matter how she prepared it – unless it had cinnamon in it. This made life very difficult and she could not seem to break her child out of the strange habit.

Presented with the same question, the second mom stated that her little girl was a joy to feed: mealtimes were usually pleasant as all the mom had to do was sprinkle a little bit of cinnamon on her daughter’s food in order for her to eat pretty much anything. In fact, she was now keeping a shaker of cinnamon on the table, next to the salt and pepper.
Wow.

The “bigness” of this struck me like a bolt of lightening. Within an instant, I felt as though I had possibly been handed the secret to a happy life. Or to a miserable one.

Stress, I knew, comes mostly from “resisting what is.” Ease, then, possibly comes from creatively celebrating the same. Not always an easy task, not even always a feasible task, but what if it were something we could achieve, let’s say… some of the time?

What if we were to say “to heck with the neighbors and to heck with all the voices in my head” and simply aimed for peace?

What if we weren’t scared? Scared of losing control, scared of looking soft, or like fools, scared that “this” could lead to chaos and anarchy?

What if we were more interested in being happy than in being right?

What if peaceful meals and happy interactions were worth a shaker of cinnamon on the dining room table?
I know that we don’t always choose what comes our way but we almost always choose our reaction to it, and that can mean freedom.

I invite you to take a look, today, at the places in your life where you may be choosing stress; where you may be choosing to be right. And where you may be able to choose to be happy instead.
And who knows? Maybe cinnamon tastes great on mashed potatoes.

“Excerpt from Pink Hair & Chocolate Cookies, by Laura Lavigne. lauralavigne.com” $14.95 – Signed copies
For a personalized inscription, email me.

Anacortes Center for Happiness

Copyright © 2014 Laura Lavigne Life Coaching. All Rights Reserved.

Dilemma of the Caregiver

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What are you supposed to do? When you are a caregiver for a person with a terminal illness and you want to provide assistance no matter what the patient wants. At some point, a choice will be made to end treatment and begin “end of life” hospice support. If you are family to a terminally ill person, you may not want them to die but you may have to support the decision to prepare for the “end.” This can be the definition of ambivalence. And, to what extremes do you decide to participate??? 100% 50% or what??? How can you LIVE with yourself and the extent of your participation? Do you want to feel like you did everything possible for your loved one, or, for yourself? “Yourself” may have different requirements of 100% participation… A true conflict….

It is hard to know what is expected and to what degree you will feel OK in participation. When my father lay dying from a CVA (stroke), I sat by his bed and told him not to be afraid, to let go, and to embrace the dying experience. He needed this comforting because he was afraid to let go. As a son, I felt horrible about losing my father and yet I was the only person available to support him in “letting go.” (At least, that is how I felt.) My personal loss and pain was “trumped” by the need to serve and support my father.

Almost everyone, who lives long enough, will lose a family member or friend. It is an experience in life that we are often poorly prepared for. Everyone is unique and every situation of personal loss is different. For me, I find myself on a roller coaster with many dimensions. As I write this blog, my wife has been living with a terminal illness for 7 years. The doctors gave her a maximum life expectancy of 5 years at the first diagnosis. We have lived with the nightmare of losing a precious life well before she is prepared to go. She has done everything she could afford (mental, emotionally, spiritually, financially) to do to maintain her life. We are beginning to lose this battle. Her cancer is beginning to wear us down and to win. I have very little control and I do not want to lose my bride and my life partner. I want to do my part of supporting her as well as I can. The dilemma for me is what am I supposed to do? Do I tell her to fight or, do I assist her to “let go”? How will I be able to live with myself, no matter which way I go??? So far, I have tried to follow her lead and to help her to do what she has done in the first 7 years which is to fight the cancer, but there are emotional and spiritual changes beginning. She is not avoiding the discussion regarding the “end of life” choices that we may need to make. Though, intellectually I knew that this time would come, it is very difficult for me to transition to fully, 100%, support her process of letting go.

I know that I will do what is necessary, but the ambivalence is confusing me and this roller coaster ride is not the kind of fun that I would easily recommend. The learning from this process is intense and I know that I am not the first person to move through the caregivers’ dilemma. I am not the first man to be in the process of losing his wife, but this is the first time I have ever lost a partner of all these years. A lesson to be learned, and relearned, is to appreciate everyday and live every moment as if it might be the last….

Hug your family and friends… Tell them that you love them.

This blog was written in 2010 about 15 months before my wife passed. The dilemma for others who find themselves in the role of a caregiver to a friend or family member is not unique to my situation. Please take good care of yourself and enjoy every minute you can share…

More information and articles at www.dstress.com

Fear of Dying: A Major Stressor

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Fear of Death: It is an “unknown”

Are you afraid of death and dying? Are you so afraid of death that you are afraid to live? Because we are anxious about the “Unknown,” we fear death and dying even though we all must face this ultimate transition as a resolution to our lives. Death has also become the “enemy” of our youth oriented society. Aging is not accepted or tolerated by our media and by the high technology that drives our world. (But that is a topic for another article.)

Many people fear doing new or unfamiliar things because they fear, at a deeper level, the ultimate anxiety that failure to do something new “successfully” will bring on death. Strange to think or feel this way, but look around and you will see a world filled with people who are “Stuck” in their lives because they fear attempting some new direction or activity. Have you ever heard the statement, “It is not worth doing unless you can do it well?” How can you do it well unless you try something and fail, maybe many times, until you can begin to figure it out and then master it. Very few of us ever learned to ride a bicycle or to swim without making mistakes that lead to success. But people fear new relationships or career paths or travel or searching their deepest thoughts because they fear the unknown. It may be easier to take the path most traveled but it removes adventure and learning through making mistakes from our lives. The safe path is not always the “right” path. We paint ourselves into corners by fearing the alternatives.

So this dilemma leads us to an important lesson in life. How can we choose to live fully without exploring the experience of death and dying? How can we be familiar and release our fear of dying, without really dying? A question for the ages… No easy answer here, but consider doing some research. I read the book “Life After Life” by Moody and Ken Ring’s research in his books “Life at Death” and “Heading Toward Omega” where these authors explored the death and dying experience by interview survivors of a near-death experience. The accounts by these survivors were profound. By reading this research, I began to release the fears of uncertainty regarding the experience of the dying process. It may not be so scary! In fact, many people who were resuscitated, and brought back to life, claimed a feeling of disappointment when they had to return to their bodies and had to continue living. They felt that death embraced them in a sense of “unconditional love and acceptance” that they did not know in their lives. These survivors consistently repeated that this experience had “Changed their lives” by removing the fear of dying. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was another scientist who sat with many people who were facing the ultimate transition. She wrote about having a different attitude toward death in many of her books including, “On Death and Dying.”

We must all face the experience of dying, when “our time comes.” Why not know something about this transition? Why fear the unknown and have this fear get in the way of living? I am not sure that our religions have good answers for us because often there are political or financial factors that play into the answers that our religions provide for us, but these may be a place to begin our quests. For me, many important experiences, and perhaps some answers, came from the practice of mediation and also, the group processes of sharing information with other seekers on the path.

Good luck in your search. Please take good care of yourself. Find your passion and do not fear get in the way of pursuing it.

Contact the Stress Education Center at www.dstress.com for information and support. Consider a train-the-trainer program to give you tools to others control their fear and anxiety of death and dying.